In a committed relationship this is the ultimate loaded question. It presupposes that something is wrong with one of you. It also presupposes that whatever the issue - it’s the other person who is responsible for the problem.
Men and women (or whatever your desire) are drawn to each other by biological, physical, emotional and religious imperatives that took thousands of years to develop. We are hardwired to seek out someone to share a portion of our lives.
Although I’ve met people who swear that they don’t need anybody, to this mindset I say - bullshit. Even if the other ‘person’ in your life is a dog, cat, or goldfish - human beings are designed to give and receive love. Even serial killers and terrorists love someone.
When you try to force the concept of ‘fixing’ someone so that you can love them, you cheapen everything that makes the relationship possible in the first place. Any true relationship is defined by the differences that promote growth. No two people are going to think or feel alike, so why would anyone feel that such a basic truth is subject to ‘fixing’?
It is our differences that make us stronger.
I’m not talking about a sociopath who goes out and kills children. I’m talking about the strengths and weaknesses we bring to the table. If you are a spender, you will invariably end up with a saver. If you are a workaholic, it’s a safe bet that you will end up with a nester. Variety is the spice of life and if you are a science fiction fan you will know that whoever controls the spice controls the universe…
If you take time to get to know the person you are with, you realize that they have the other half of the equation. Change any significant part of them and the equation becomes unbalanced.
Now all of this isn’t to say that you won’t seek to round off rough edges. I fully understand that having your mate throw banana peels on the kitchen floor gets annoying. But asking said partner to please hit the garbage can isn’t ‘changing’ anything. It’s asking for common courtesy.
True negative change requires reinventing the ‘soul’ of the person. It means taking a devout saver and turning them into a rampant spender. It means undermining and replacing the essence of an individual’s beliefs, feelings, thoughts, and values until they are no longer recognizable as individual. This can occur with or without the consent of the person being changed. Anyone of weak will can be easily molded and even strong willed people have a breaking point. Just ask any torture specialist or over amped type A personality…
It sounds unthinkable, but in an effort to make a relationship form itself to a desire, it happens all the time. As a race of beings who constantly seek to shape our environment to our needs, is it less rational to think that we would try to change the people in our lives?
So what’s the answer?
How about simple trust? Learn to listen, I mean really listen to what the significant other in your life has to say. Don’t judge. Don’t assume. Listen and respond from your heart. Even if the words that come out aren’t what you want to hear, it will be honest. And honesty is appreciated, even if it’s sometimes misunderstood. You can’t build trust without honesty and empathy.
Look at it this way. You chose this person for a reason. Something about them sparked the animal part of your brain and before you knew it, you were having dinner at that special place. Laughing at inane jokes and feeling the butterflies run amok in your stomach. There was a fire in those eyes that you couldn’t deny. You got them - and Lord Be Praised, they got you!
And it doesn’t matter if 20 days or 20 years have gone by; those initial feelings are still floating around. See them there? Just a little buried under layers of bills and dirty diapers and the mother-in-law from Hell. But during that one quiet instant, the moment when you catch each other’s eyes after a full day of fighting.
See - there it is... The spark. The actual junction of your relationship that defies description or explanation. The ‘it’ in your ‘us’ soup. Bruised, battered and dingy, but still there. Still pulsing with the slow knock of your heart.
Now, would you really want to change that?
