My wife and I were talking this morning and she said something that struck a chord in my mind.
Our conversation concerned a time when we’d gone to the coast - just the two of us for a long weekend getaway. 4 incredible days of booze induced sexy haze and rain soaked bliss. She said – “When it’s good between us, it’s really good.” The conversation went on, but those particular words tumbled around and around in my head, finding a resonance that went beyond straight forward.
As a species we are predisposed to wait until bad times strike, or a relationship is nearing its end to remember the good times. In the course of daily life treasured moments slip away and are forgotten in the heat of now. It’s easy to forget how much you and your partner fit each other like well worn gloves. The post coital glow and pillow talk don’t last, but taxes, thorny problems and parent-in-laws seem to have unlimited staying power. I dunno, maybe that’s a good thing. None of us would get any work done if we didn’t come down off of the glow at some point.
But still, when relationships hit the skids, or worse, have ended in disaster, that’s when we finally begin to remember ‘the good old days’. We habitually look at the past through myopic glasses and the far away ‘bad’ stuff seems somehow fuzzy and indistinct. We rewrite history and remember the laughter and incredible sex. We try mightily to minimize and explain away the tears and pain. Things weren’t all that bad. Were they?
I’m guilty of it. I sometimes think about my ex-wife and remember growing up together and the first few years of our relationship. I remember the fun stuff and running the streets together, planning our futures just like most teens who haven’t experienced real life yet. When she and I were together we were too deep into it to pay attention to the little things. Life went on and we went with it. It never occurred to me that the good things in our relationship might have held it together like glue if we’d only been able to remember them then. Only problem is, thinking about that stuff now is like acid in a wound. The relationship is LONG over, but that doesn’t stop the memories from coming bubbling to the surface. It’s up to me (and it’s up to you) how much of the bad stuff I am willing to let get in the way of what I have now.
It’s this thought that made my current wife’s words so relevant. She and I have been through lots of changes in our 18 years together. Good times, bad times, meh times. But in order to keep things strong we have to remember that the good stuff has largely outweighed the bad. We’ve been incredibly lucky in our choices. We have healthy children, a good roof over our heads, food to eat, good friends and a relationship that is actually growing. (Sometimes slowly, other times in fits and starts, but growing all the same.)
Waiting for the relationship to be on the outs is the wrong time to start living in the past. What I mean is, the past is gone, it can’t come back and it’s unlikely that repetition is possible. You have to live each day with as much joy as possible.
How happy you are is up to you and if you have someone you trust to share that happiness with you are already ahead of many. The good times are the spark plugs that keep the relationship engine firing. The moments that make your union stronger are the points at which you laughed, cried, loved and lived arm in arm. Remember the good times now. Tell your significant other how much you love them now. Let your children see you smile at their antics now.
Let the past be the past – don’t dwell on it. Don’t treat the past as though it’s somehow better than the present. Hold onto the lessons that are learned when someone you love loves you back. Let go of the stuff that doesn’t matter or is out of sync with who you are. Last time I checked, we each get only one go-round so why not do
what needs to be done now?
