I've decided to start learning about affiliate programs.
I don't know whether or not its a worthwhile venture, but residual income is the name of the game when it comes to building a real life now a-days.
Since there are only 24 hours in a day, it makes sense to use them wisely. No one can work all 24 hours and no one would want to. Hell, even if you could it wouldn't make you any more money.
Residual income works for you no matter what else is going on. That's the whole reason that writers do what they do. When you create a novel or screenplay you are paid upfront if you sell it. But over the course of time the residual income can add up to quite a bit more than you were initially paid.
Writers like Stephen King and Dean Koontz could stop writing right now and still be okay for the rest of their lives because of their past efforts. Guys like that keep writing only out of love for the craft. They have long passed any need for large influxes of money.
Anyone who does creative work dreams of the same thing in their lives. That one or two major hits that spawn an entire level of income that they can draw off of for years. And it builds on each success. Sell 9 novels and each novel will have its own income for several years after they are published.
Of course this is dependent on how well you negotiate your contract and how well you market yourself. The publisher will do some of that for you, but how successful you ultimately become is up to you.
There are dozens of creative commons authors who do their own advertising and marketing. As a result they have built a loyal fan base without the need for a huge marketing machine and the expenditure of lots of money.
People like Scott Sigler, Mur Lafferty, Chris Lester, J.C. Hutchins, Phil Rossi and more. They believe in their craft and believe in their ability to light up a crowd of fans with well written stories. It isn't about the flash and bluster. It's about building a legacy.
And believe me when I say that legacies always outlast the creator in the long run.
So I'll build my legacy one click at a time. When I start publishing I'll build it even more.
Never stop trying to be more than you are.
Peace
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Friday, November 26, 2010
Writing is all about waking up
Recently I've woken up to a startling reality.
Writing is about connecting to people.
Now I know that sounds kind of 'Duh!', but you have to understand how the writing process has always gone for me.
When I first tried to write a story I did it intending to impress the people that I hung around. I never felt like part of the crowd. One of those 'on the outside looking in' things that lots of pre-teens go through.
It didn't help that I lived in the projects and the word 'Geek' hadn't even been invented yet. My efforts got me called much worse words than that.
Still, I persisted because I discovered that writing helped me make sense of the world around me. It wasn't quite so scary if I was able to explain things to myself through fiction. All of a sudden stuff started making a lot more sense.
I've always been a fan of monster movies and science fiction. Add in a healthy dose of Old Time Radio serials and it's easy to see that I was doomed from the get-go.
Writing is a natural outgrowth of that love. When you see things on the screen it's almost automatic to begin re-writing it in your mind. You see where things could be made better or more clear. The imagination is spurred in ways that wouldn't occur to you on your own(well, that's partly because most movies or serials were written by teams of writers).
I did discover early on that writing is hard. It's easy to plan out a story or get some idea of how it should go, but the actual act of sitting down to write something that you hope someone else will like is HARD.
It takes an understanding of how people operate to make your story work. If your characters are constantly doing something that normal ordinary people can't understand or connect with then they will not read the story.
I don't mean that your superhero has to be shown using the bathroom, but he or she had better have at least one flaw that makes them 'human' to balance out all of the high wire acrobatics. If the character is too far outside the understanding or credulity of the reader, it will turn them off.
Even Superman has his weaknesses and had the audacity to fall in love and get married.
I realize that writing is about waking up in a lot of ways. You have to be awake and aware of the world around you to write about it. Think about this, even the world of Narnia with its talking lions and Minotaurs has some basis in reality. There are mountains and snow. There are political intrigues and family betrayal. There is a sense of the possible occurring right alongside the utterly impossible.
If you want to write a political thriller, don't you think it would be a good idea to learn how governments and politics work? If you are writing a technology story, being aware of current advances will help when it comes time to extrapolate out the inner workings of your star ships drive systems.
Don't get me wrong, you don't have to earn a political science degree or become a rocket engineer, but you should understand the basics.
That's what I meant by being awake when writing. I think that a lot of the stuff I'm trying to do is getting better because I finally admitted to myself that writing in a vacuum isn't possible and there is no way I will find everything I need to know in a book.
I have to talk to people. Get an idea of how their mind works. Learn a bit of what they know and then extrapolate out. That's what makes good fiction.
Well, that and creating characters that are human and capable of being cared about. Think about it, how many movies or books have you gone through only to realize at the end that you didn't give a shit about any of the characters?
Yeah, its something to ponder all right. And something to be aware of when I sit down to create...
Peace
Writing is about connecting to people.
Now I know that sounds kind of 'Duh!', but you have to understand how the writing process has always gone for me.
When I first tried to write a story I did it intending to impress the people that I hung around. I never felt like part of the crowd. One of those 'on the outside looking in' things that lots of pre-teens go through.
It didn't help that I lived in the projects and the word 'Geek' hadn't even been invented yet. My efforts got me called much worse words than that.
Still, I persisted because I discovered that writing helped me make sense of the world around me. It wasn't quite so scary if I was able to explain things to myself through fiction. All of a sudden stuff started making a lot more sense.
I've always been a fan of monster movies and science fiction. Add in a healthy dose of Old Time Radio serials and it's easy to see that I was doomed from the get-go.
Writing is a natural outgrowth of that love. When you see things on the screen it's almost automatic to begin re-writing it in your mind. You see where things could be made better or more clear. The imagination is spurred in ways that wouldn't occur to you on your own(well, that's partly because most movies or serials were written by teams of writers).
I did discover early on that writing is hard. It's easy to plan out a story or get some idea of how it should go, but the actual act of sitting down to write something that you hope someone else will like is HARD.
It takes an understanding of how people operate to make your story work. If your characters are constantly doing something that normal ordinary people can't understand or connect with then they will not read the story.
I don't mean that your superhero has to be shown using the bathroom, but he or she had better have at least one flaw that makes them 'human' to balance out all of the high wire acrobatics. If the character is too far outside the understanding or credulity of the reader, it will turn them off.
Even Superman has his weaknesses and had the audacity to fall in love and get married.
I realize that writing is about waking up in a lot of ways. You have to be awake and aware of the world around you to write about it. Think about this, even the world of Narnia with its talking lions and Minotaurs has some basis in reality. There are mountains and snow. There are political intrigues and family betrayal. There is a sense of the possible occurring right alongside the utterly impossible.
If you want to write a political thriller, don't you think it would be a good idea to learn how governments and politics work? If you are writing a technology story, being aware of current advances will help when it comes time to extrapolate out the inner workings of your star ships drive systems.
Don't get me wrong, you don't have to earn a political science degree or become a rocket engineer, but you should understand the basics.
That's what I meant by being awake when writing. I think that a lot of the stuff I'm trying to do is getting better because I finally admitted to myself that writing in a vacuum isn't possible and there is no way I will find everything I need to know in a book.
I have to talk to people. Get an idea of how their mind works. Learn a bit of what they know and then extrapolate out. That's what makes good fiction.
Well, that and creating characters that are human and capable of being cared about. Think about it, how many movies or books have you gone through only to realize at the end that you didn't give a shit about any of the characters?
Yeah, its something to ponder all right. And something to be aware of when I sit down to create...
Peace
Monday, October 25, 2010
Friday, June 11, 2010
It's a big world full of interesting things to do.
Trying to decide on any one path to follow is difficult. I mean, you have your values to guide you and making decisions should always be based on the things you believe, but remember, values do sometimes change. Just because an idea fit yesterday, doesn't mean that it always will.
I think we tend to grow into the people of each individual moment. And then when that moment is over, we grow into the next phase or level of who we are. In my short time I have watched dozens of friends and family change everything about who they are. Things like their attitudes about who they will and won't hang out with. Changes in the foods they eat and how much or how little exercise they get. Sexual orientation and marriage or no marriage. I've seen them jump in and out of relationships and move from one city to another.
Although they always stayed the same physical person, each change brought out something new in their personality and outlook on life. I guess its in the way we are wired. Change inspires a positive outlook. It also brings back the feeling of newness and endless possibility. This makes sense, without the inspiration of newness and discovery all of the great explorers of our time would probably have just been cabbage farmers or something.
Lately I've been wondering how to re-ignite that fire in my belly. The joy of discovery concerning the world. Travelling was one thing that always excited me. I've driven across the US 6 or 7 times over the years. I've seen parts of just about every state in the continental US and Alaska.
I know that the big thing in life is to find a home and put down roots. It's another one of those things that humans are hardwired to do. But, I also remember a phrase uttered by some unknown road warrior - "Not all who wander are lost." And I find myself taking those words to heart.
Putting down roots and staying in one place has its benefits, but what about the wanderer? What about the spirit that isn't bound to any one place or situation?
Trying to decide on any one path to follow is difficult. I mean, you have your values to guide you and making decisions should always be based on the things you believe, but remember, values do sometimes change. Just because an idea fit yesterday, doesn't mean that it always will.
I think we tend to grow into the people of each individual moment. And then when that moment is over, we grow into the next phase or level of who we are. In my short time I have watched dozens of friends and family change everything about who they are. Things like their attitudes about who they will and won't hang out with. Changes in the foods they eat and how much or how little exercise they get. Sexual orientation and marriage or no marriage. I've seen them jump in and out of relationships and move from one city to another.
Although they always stayed the same physical person, each change brought out something new in their personality and outlook on life. I guess its in the way we are wired. Change inspires a positive outlook. It also brings back the feeling of newness and endless possibility. This makes sense, without the inspiration of newness and discovery all of the great explorers of our time would probably have just been cabbage farmers or something.
Lately I've been wondering how to re-ignite that fire in my belly. The joy of discovery concerning the world. Travelling was one thing that always excited me. I've driven across the US 6 or 7 times over the years. I've seen parts of just about every state in the continental US and Alaska.
I know that the big thing in life is to find a home and put down roots. It's another one of those things that humans are hardwired to do. But, I also remember a phrase uttered by some unknown road warrior - "Not all who wander are lost." And I find myself taking those words to heart.
Putting down roots and staying in one place has its benefits, but what about the wanderer? What about the spirit that isn't bound to any one place or situation?
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
It's strange. I've never been able to determine which is right - living your life for yourself, or living your life in service to others.
I can see the benefits and drawbacks of both philosophies and its kind of maddening.
If you live your life selfishly - taking what the universe has to offer without much thought to other people - you are seen as shallow, vain or a boor. The simple desire to live your life on your own terms rubs people the wrong way for some reason. Even if you never intentionally harm another human being, this approach to life is somehow seen as lacking in morals.
But my question is, how else would you ever truly be happy? There is no one on the planet with the job of making you happy or satisfied with your daily life. That ball is totally in your court.
If you spend every minute worrying about what people think of you, do you ever truly grow?
Children are prime examples of this. A child will go out of his or her way to please an adult or another child. They do this for simple, human reasons. They want to be accepted and loved. The thought of being alone is frightening and to be avoided at all costs. But as the child grows they awaken to the understanding that other people have the same needs and desires. No one is alone. I think that in the 'average' child this process is where growth really happens. When you realize that you aren't much different from the guy down the street, that desire to run out and please people begins to fade. I don't know that it ever goes away completely. If it did lovers and friends wouldn't try so hard to outdo each other.
So you grow up some and realize that you have needs of your own to be met. Then what? This is where the problem comes in for me. I love doing things for other people. I love helping people reach their potential. It gives me a huge blast of energy when someone tells me "Thanks for all your help!"
But there are times when I'm helping others that I realize that my own needs are falling by the wayside. So which way is right?
Guess I'll just have to keep on keeping on until the answer becomes more apparent.
Peace.
I can see the benefits and drawbacks of both philosophies and its kind of maddening.
If you live your life selfishly - taking what the universe has to offer without much thought to other people - you are seen as shallow, vain or a boor. The simple desire to live your life on your own terms rubs people the wrong way for some reason. Even if you never intentionally harm another human being, this approach to life is somehow seen as lacking in morals.
But my question is, how else would you ever truly be happy? There is no one on the planet with the job of making you happy or satisfied with your daily life. That ball is totally in your court.
If you spend every minute worrying about what people think of you, do you ever truly grow?
Children are prime examples of this. A child will go out of his or her way to please an adult or another child. They do this for simple, human reasons. They want to be accepted and loved. The thought of being alone is frightening and to be avoided at all costs. But as the child grows they awaken to the understanding that other people have the same needs and desires. No one is alone. I think that in the 'average' child this process is where growth really happens. When you realize that you aren't much different from the guy down the street, that desire to run out and please people begins to fade. I don't know that it ever goes away completely. If it did lovers and friends wouldn't try so hard to outdo each other.
So you grow up some and realize that you have needs of your own to be met. Then what? This is where the problem comes in for me. I love doing things for other people. I love helping people reach their potential. It gives me a huge blast of energy when someone tells me "Thanks for all your help!"
But there are times when I'm helping others that I realize that my own needs are falling by the wayside. So which way is right?
Guess I'll just have to keep on keeping on until the answer becomes more apparent.
Peace.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Getting back to basics
It's strange.
I started this blog as a way to work out what I feel inside and discover ways to help me go forward in life. The problem is, I got caught up in the idea of writing 'articles' that might help other people and as a result I don't post half as much as I should.
I've also fallen into the habit of ignoring my own personal journaling. I've kept a journal on my laptop that runs back almost 6 years, yet when I glanced at it recently I realize that I haven't made a single entry for 2010.
Talking about how we feel inside isn't easy for lots of us. To a degree its not easy for me either. I only put a fraction of what's really going on in my head into this blog. That comes from a historical desire for some level of privacy and is normal. But in my own personal journal, that sits in a locked file on my personal laptop, I should be able to say whatever the hell I want.
And that's why I said strange at the start of this post. It's almost like I am afraid to really write down what's going on in my head. That sucks, I mean, really, if I can't be honest with myself then who can I be honest with?
So anyway, I intend to begin making more regular blog entries about the things that I am trying to develop into my 'philosophy' of life. I finally realize that despite who I know and how 'strong' or 'together' they may seem, they have their life and I have mine and that's the way it should be.
I had hoped that some kind of collaboration might eventually result from certain relationships that I've cultivated, but that hope is faded into a gray reality. When it comes to writing, I am on my own. So be it.
Time to get back to the basics of the story. Character, situation, plot, dialog and action. I'm never going to be a published author waiting around for someone to guide me through it. I used to believe strongly in the concept of finding a teacher to learn from so that I didn't have to reinvent the wheel at every turn. What I've found is that the best teacher is always your own heart and mind. People come and go out of your life. It's up to you to achieve your goals, no one will EVER do more for you than you will do for yourself.
You just have to be willing to trust what you feel and listen to the smallest voice inside you that never lies.
Peace
I started this blog as a way to work out what I feel inside and discover ways to help me go forward in life. The problem is, I got caught up in the idea of writing 'articles' that might help other people and as a result I don't post half as much as I should.
I've also fallen into the habit of ignoring my own personal journaling. I've kept a journal on my laptop that runs back almost 6 years, yet when I glanced at it recently I realize that I haven't made a single entry for 2010.
Talking about how we feel inside isn't easy for lots of us. To a degree its not easy for me either. I only put a fraction of what's really going on in my head into this blog. That comes from a historical desire for some level of privacy and is normal. But in my own personal journal, that sits in a locked file on my personal laptop, I should be able to say whatever the hell I want.
And that's why I said strange at the start of this post. It's almost like I am afraid to really write down what's going on in my head. That sucks, I mean, really, if I can't be honest with myself then who can I be honest with?
So anyway, I intend to begin making more regular blog entries about the things that I am trying to develop into my 'philosophy' of life. I finally realize that despite who I know and how 'strong' or 'together' they may seem, they have their life and I have mine and that's the way it should be.
I had hoped that some kind of collaboration might eventually result from certain relationships that I've cultivated, but that hope is faded into a gray reality. When it comes to writing, I am on my own. So be it.
Time to get back to the basics of the story. Character, situation, plot, dialog and action. I'm never going to be a published author waiting around for someone to guide me through it. I used to believe strongly in the concept of finding a teacher to learn from so that I didn't have to reinvent the wheel at every turn. What I've found is that the best teacher is always your own heart and mind. People come and go out of your life. It's up to you to achieve your goals, no one will EVER do more for you than you will do for yourself.
You just have to be willing to trust what you feel and listen to the smallest voice inside you that never lies.
Peace
Monday, May 10, 2010
There's no time like the present to remember the good stuff
My wife and I were talking this morning and she said something that struck a chord in my mind.
Our conversation concerned a time when we’d gone to the coast - just the two of us for a long weekend getaway. 4 incredible days of booze induced sexy haze and rain soaked bliss. She said – “When it’s good between us, it’s really good.” The conversation went on, but those particular words tumbled around and around in my head, finding a resonance that went beyond straight forward.
As a species we are predisposed to wait until bad times strike, or a relationship is nearing its end to remember the good times. In the course of daily life treasured moments slip away and are forgotten in the heat of now. It’s easy to forget how much you and your partner fit each other like well worn gloves. The post coital glow and pillow talk don’t last, but taxes, thorny problems and parent-in-laws seem to have unlimited staying power. I dunno, maybe that’s a good thing. None of us would get any work done if we didn’t come down off of the glow at some point.
But still, when relationships hit the skids, or worse, have ended in disaster, that’s when we finally begin to remember ‘the good old days’. We habitually look at the past through myopic glasses and the far away ‘bad’ stuff seems somehow fuzzy and indistinct. We rewrite history and remember the laughter and incredible sex. We try mightily to minimize and explain away the tears and pain. Things weren’t all that bad. Were they?
I’m guilty of it. I sometimes think about my ex-wife and remember growing up together and the first few years of our relationship. I remember the fun stuff and running the streets together, planning our futures just like most teens who haven’t experienced real life yet. When she and I were together we were too deep into it to pay attention to the little things. Life went on and we went with it. It never occurred to me that the good things in our relationship might have held it together like glue if we’d only been able to remember them then. Only problem is, thinking about that stuff now is like acid in a wound. The relationship is LONG over, but that doesn’t stop the memories from coming bubbling to the surface. It’s up to me (and it’s up to you) how much of the bad stuff I am willing to let get in the way of what I have now.
It’s this thought that made my current wife’s words so relevant. She and I have been through lots of changes in our 18 years together. Good times, bad times, meh times. But in order to keep things strong we have to remember that the good stuff has largely outweighed the bad. We’ve been incredibly lucky in our choices. We have healthy children, a good roof over our heads, food to eat, good friends and a relationship that is actually growing. (Sometimes slowly, other times in fits and starts, but growing all the same.)
Waiting for the relationship to be on the outs is the wrong time to start living in the past. What I mean is, the past is gone, it can’t come back and it’s unlikely that repetition is possible. You have to live each day with as much joy as possible.
How happy you are is up to you and if you have someone you trust to share that happiness with you are already ahead of many. The good times are the spark plugs that keep the relationship engine firing. The moments that make your union stronger are the points at which you laughed, cried, loved and lived arm in arm. Remember the good times now. Tell your significant other how much you love them now. Let your children see you smile at their antics now.
Let the past be the past – don’t dwell on it. Don’t treat the past as though it’s somehow better than the present. Hold onto the lessons that are learned when someone you love loves you back. Let go of the stuff that doesn’t matter or is out of sync with who you are. Last time I checked, we each get only one go-round so why not do
what needs to be done now?
Our conversation concerned a time when we’d gone to the coast - just the two of us for a long weekend getaway. 4 incredible days of booze induced sexy haze and rain soaked bliss. She said – “When it’s good between us, it’s really good.” The conversation went on, but those particular words tumbled around and around in my head, finding a resonance that went beyond straight forward.
As a species we are predisposed to wait until bad times strike, or a relationship is nearing its end to remember the good times. In the course of daily life treasured moments slip away and are forgotten in the heat of now. It’s easy to forget how much you and your partner fit each other like well worn gloves. The post coital glow and pillow talk don’t last, but taxes, thorny problems and parent-in-laws seem to have unlimited staying power. I dunno, maybe that’s a good thing. None of us would get any work done if we didn’t come down off of the glow at some point.
But still, when relationships hit the skids, or worse, have ended in disaster, that’s when we finally begin to remember ‘the good old days’. We habitually look at the past through myopic glasses and the far away ‘bad’ stuff seems somehow fuzzy and indistinct. We rewrite history and remember the laughter and incredible sex. We try mightily to minimize and explain away the tears and pain. Things weren’t all that bad. Were they?
I’m guilty of it. I sometimes think about my ex-wife and remember growing up together and the first few years of our relationship. I remember the fun stuff and running the streets together, planning our futures just like most teens who haven’t experienced real life yet. When she and I were together we were too deep into it to pay attention to the little things. Life went on and we went with it. It never occurred to me that the good things in our relationship might have held it together like glue if we’d only been able to remember them then. Only problem is, thinking about that stuff now is like acid in a wound. The relationship is LONG over, but that doesn’t stop the memories from coming bubbling to the surface. It’s up to me (and it’s up to you) how much of the bad stuff I am willing to let get in the way of what I have now.
It’s this thought that made my current wife’s words so relevant. She and I have been through lots of changes in our 18 years together. Good times, bad times, meh times. But in order to keep things strong we have to remember that the good stuff has largely outweighed the bad. We’ve been incredibly lucky in our choices. We have healthy children, a good roof over our heads, food to eat, good friends and a relationship that is actually growing. (Sometimes slowly, other times in fits and starts, but growing all the same.)
Waiting for the relationship to be on the outs is the wrong time to start living in the past. What I mean is, the past is gone, it can’t come back and it’s unlikely that repetition is possible. You have to live each day with as much joy as possible.
How happy you are is up to you and if you have someone you trust to share that happiness with you are already ahead of many. The good times are the spark plugs that keep the relationship engine firing. The moments that make your union stronger are the points at which you laughed, cried, loved and lived arm in arm. Remember the good times now. Tell your significant other how much you love them now. Let your children see you smile at their antics now.
Let the past be the past – don’t dwell on it. Don’t treat the past as though it’s somehow better than the present. Hold onto the lessons that are learned when someone you love loves you back. Let go of the stuff that doesn’t matter or is out of sync with who you are. Last time I checked, we each get only one go-round so why not do
what needs to be done now?
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Can we fix each other?
In a committed relationship this is the ultimate loaded question. It presupposes that something is wrong with one of you. It also presupposes that whatever the issue - it’s the other person who is responsible for the problem.
Men and women (or whatever your desire) are drawn to each other by biological, physical, emotional and religious imperatives that took thousands of years to develop. We are hardwired to seek out someone to share a portion of our lives.
Although I’ve met people who swear that they don’t need anybody, to this mindset I say - bullshit. Even if the other ‘person’ in your life is a dog, cat, or goldfish - human beings are designed to give and receive love. Even serial killers and terrorists love someone.
When you try to force the concept of ‘fixing’ someone so that you can love them, you cheapen everything that makes the relationship possible in the first place. Any true relationship is defined by the differences that promote growth. No two people are going to think or feel alike, so why would anyone feel that such a basic truth is subject to ‘fixing’?
It is our differences that make us stronger.
I’m not talking about a sociopath who goes out and kills children. I’m talking about the strengths and weaknesses we bring to the table. If you are a spender, you will invariably end up with a saver. If you are a workaholic, it’s a safe bet that you will end up with a nester. Variety is the spice of life and if you are a science fiction fan you will know that whoever controls the spice controls the universe…
If you take time to get to know the person you are with, you realize that they have the other half of the equation. Change any significant part of them and the equation becomes unbalanced.
Now all of this isn’t to say that you won’t seek to round off rough edges. I fully understand that having your mate throw banana peels on the kitchen floor gets annoying. But asking said partner to please hit the garbage can isn’t ‘changing’ anything. It’s asking for common courtesy.
True negative change requires reinventing the ‘soul’ of the person. It means taking a devout saver and turning them into a rampant spender. It means undermining and replacing the essence of an individual’s beliefs, feelings, thoughts, and values until they are no longer recognizable as individual. This can occur with or without the consent of the person being changed. Anyone of weak will can be easily molded and even strong willed people have a breaking point. Just ask any torture specialist or over amped type A personality…
It sounds unthinkable, but in an effort to make a relationship form itself to a desire, it happens all the time. As a race of beings who constantly seek to shape our environment to our needs, is it less rational to think that we would try to change the people in our lives?
So what’s the answer?
How about simple trust? Learn to listen, I mean really listen to what the significant other in your life has to say. Don’t judge. Don’t assume. Listen and respond from your heart. Even if the words that come out aren’t what you want to hear, it will be honest. And honesty is appreciated, even if it’s sometimes misunderstood. You can’t build trust without honesty and empathy.
Look at it this way. You chose this person for a reason. Something about them sparked the animal part of your brain and before you knew it, you were having dinner at that special place. Laughing at inane jokes and feeling the butterflies run amok in your stomach. There was a fire in those eyes that you couldn’t deny. You got them - and Lord Be Praised, they got you!
And it doesn’t matter if 20 days or 20 years have gone by; those initial feelings are still floating around. See them there? Just a little buried under layers of bills and dirty diapers and the mother-in-law from Hell. But during that one quiet instant, the moment when you catch each other’s eyes after a full day of fighting.
See - there it is... The spark. The actual junction of your relationship that defies description or explanation. The ‘it’ in your ‘us’ soup. Bruised, battered and dingy, but still there. Still pulsing with the slow knock of your heart.
Now, would you really want to change that?
Men and women (or whatever your desire) are drawn to each other by biological, physical, emotional and religious imperatives that took thousands of years to develop. We are hardwired to seek out someone to share a portion of our lives.
Although I’ve met people who swear that they don’t need anybody, to this mindset I say - bullshit. Even if the other ‘person’ in your life is a dog, cat, or goldfish - human beings are designed to give and receive love. Even serial killers and terrorists love someone.
When you try to force the concept of ‘fixing’ someone so that you can love them, you cheapen everything that makes the relationship possible in the first place. Any true relationship is defined by the differences that promote growth. No two people are going to think or feel alike, so why would anyone feel that such a basic truth is subject to ‘fixing’?
It is our differences that make us stronger.
I’m not talking about a sociopath who goes out and kills children. I’m talking about the strengths and weaknesses we bring to the table. If you are a spender, you will invariably end up with a saver. If you are a workaholic, it’s a safe bet that you will end up with a nester. Variety is the spice of life and if you are a science fiction fan you will know that whoever controls the spice controls the universe…
If you take time to get to know the person you are with, you realize that they have the other half of the equation. Change any significant part of them and the equation becomes unbalanced.
Now all of this isn’t to say that you won’t seek to round off rough edges. I fully understand that having your mate throw banana peels on the kitchen floor gets annoying. But asking said partner to please hit the garbage can isn’t ‘changing’ anything. It’s asking for common courtesy.
True negative change requires reinventing the ‘soul’ of the person. It means taking a devout saver and turning them into a rampant spender. It means undermining and replacing the essence of an individual’s beliefs, feelings, thoughts, and values until they are no longer recognizable as individual. This can occur with or without the consent of the person being changed. Anyone of weak will can be easily molded and even strong willed people have a breaking point. Just ask any torture specialist or over amped type A personality…
It sounds unthinkable, but in an effort to make a relationship form itself to a desire, it happens all the time. As a race of beings who constantly seek to shape our environment to our needs, is it less rational to think that we would try to change the people in our lives?
So what’s the answer?
How about simple trust? Learn to listen, I mean really listen to what the significant other in your life has to say. Don’t judge. Don’t assume. Listen and respond from your heart. Even if the words that come out aren’t what you want to hear, it will be honest. And honesty is appreciated, even if it’s sometimes misunderstood. You can’t build trust without honesty and empathy.
Look at it this way. You chose this person for a reason. Something about them sparked the animal part of your brain and before you knew it, you were having dinner at that special place. Laughing at inane jokes and feeling the butterflies run amok in your stomach. There was a fire in those eyes that you couldn’t deny. You got them - and Lord Be Praised, they got you!
And it doesn’t matter if 20 days or 20 years have gone by; those initial feelings are still floating around. See them there? Just a little buried under layers of bills and dirty diapers and the mother-in-law from Hell. But during that one quiet instant, the moment when you catch each other’s eyes after a full day of fighting.
See - there it is... The spark. The actual junction of your relationship that defies description or explanation. The ‘it’ in your ‘us’ soup. Bruised, battered and dingy, but still there. Still pulsing with the slow knock of your heart.
Now, would you really want to change that?
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