I’ve never been a person who lives by a specific code. What I mean is, I invent my life as I go (probably not a unique trait.) Some of that comes from my upbringing. I moved around a lot as a child and flexibility was the name of the game. It was pretty near impossible to form a hardened mindset about anything because I never knew where I would end up and what I would have to cope with.
While I do have a strong moral compass, I don’t possess a solid set of Dr Laura type principles to fall back on when things go south. To me that dichotomy is interesting and the focus of this article.
I have been called a ‘good guy’ by people I trust (not in a good way mind you). What I think they mean is that I have a tendency to go out of my way not to hurt people’s feelings. Don’t get me wrong, if I am actually slighted I will respond, but I don’t go to extra lengths to hurt someone I don’t know (or someone I know or that matter). I’ve also been told that I take on too many responsibilities and don’t let those around me help.
There are three reasons for this.
1. I don’t believe in having people do things for me that I am perfectly capable of doing myself.
2. There are some things that I know I am faster at and it makes no sense to watch someone struggle with an issue I can handle in three seconds.
3. I’m not interested in making extra work for myself when a task gets done incorrectly and then has to be redone or fixed. (I am not the sort to watch someone do something over and over again when it’s obvious they don’t get it.)
The above list isn’t a value set, but I can see how they could be interpreted as one.
Since I never developed a rock solid way of looking at everything around me I’ve been free to reinvent myself. One month I can wear all black and listen only to rap music. The next month I am wearing a brighter color and am only interested in classical. The point is I don’t see the value in locking my heart to change. A lot of what I do believe deep inside comes from this notion.
I believe in family. I believe in love. I believe in Coney Island dogs and big pretzels. I trust that God has a plan for everyone, but I probably don’t believe in God the way that you do. I have my own version of heaven and hell (just like I think everyone really does). I feel pain when I look at the starving children around the world, but I am also aware that I am shallow enough to probably never do anything to help them. I am wrapped up in my own cocoon of self pity and anguish at the same time that I also love this entire world and the blue sky.
Values are contradictions when you get right down to it. I have so many friends who talk a good game about supporting their families and community and then never do anything for either. I have lived my whole life around people who claim to have religious and sanctified hearts only to be out on Friday and Saturday night drinking everything in the club and chasing after someone else’s wife. News stories run almost every day about some parent beating their child to death so they could have their freedom. And I’ll bet that all these different kinds of people have one thing in common.
They all have a value system.
It might not match mine or yours, but it’s a system that works for them nonetheless. It allows them to justify everything that happens in their world. Just like you and I do. But if you listen to certain people on the radio and TV, or in your family for that matter, you are supposed to develop one way of looking at the world so that you will fit into society. The popular concept is that marching lock-step with those around you will help you achieve in life. But wait, if that were true then why are there so many malcontents and social misfits making millions of dollars per year? Somebody somewhere is keeping secrets…
So, of what use is a value system?
My personal belief is that what you value determines how your life will be spent. Human beings are notorious creatures of habit and we observe those habits regardless of the circumstances. If we value companionship enough then we have friends and acquaintances. If we value money above all else, we will find ways to have a fat wallet. If we desire to be alone, well, there are ways to make that happen as well.
Values change. Usually as a person ages and experiences more of life there is a dawning wisdom about the nature of the world. It isn’t always accurate. Like I said earlier we are creatures of habit and one of our major habits is interpreting the world around us through our own filters. But remember the truest things about experience – Garbage In, Garbage Out. If those filters are clogged with years of resentment and living lies then the perception will be colored by that. If the filter is based in a sanitized version of the world then the perception will be tainted as well.
I guess my point is, since not very many of us see the world as it truly is, how can we claim to have a set system of values designed to cope with it all? I’m not the smartest person alive, but I do recognize that my perception is colored by who I have ‘decided’ to be at any one stage in life. Since I’ve started down the path with this blog I’ve figured out a lot. However, what I’ve discovered is the more stuff I learn the more ignorant I realize I am. Somehow, I think it will take more than a locked scheme of values to help with that.
Monday, December 14, 2009
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Communication is so much more than just talking
Although I have been writing all of my life, when the opportunity arose to do a series of articles on relationships, I had to step back for a moment and think about it.
Okay, I have some experience in the arena. In my short time on the planet I’ve been married twice. To two incredible women who are as different from each other as night and day. All told, my marriage experience runs over 22 years. I have raised my children and travelled around the world. I’ve got life experience garnered the hard way, like most everyone else. I’ve managed to learn a thing or two because I love to study the human animal up close and personal. But a relationship series?
Hmm…
Let me say this much – I am not a trained professional. All my information is home spun and hard knock taught. You will probably never see me on Oprah giving advice to husbands and wives across America. Not that I would anyway…
On the other hand, I have earned every single scar that I possess. My memories of love and pain are as relevant to the current state of relationships as anyone else. And on top of that, I am not ashamed to talk about my mistakes, just as I am not ashamed to talk about my triumphs.
What is a relationship between a man and a woman but a series of dismal mistakes and ultimate triumphs? A realization of how two people can complete each other in a way that simply isn’t possible for an individual.
Not to say that being on your own for a period of time is a bad thing. Some of my most effective learning experiences have come from spending time alone, getting to know who I truly was. But to feel whole, to feel truly needed, there has to be more than one. Remember, you can almost always get away with lying to yourself, but you can only lie to another person for so long.
Over the course of my two marriages one theme has been constant. Communication is the key to survival. When I was first married, I assumed that we were communicating. Hell, we’d been high school sweethearts. We had survived the destruction of our mothers friendship and the temptation of other people. Including the first two years of my time in the Army. I thought that I knew her and she knew me.
My mistake was in the assumption. It was also in forgetting a prime fact about people – they change.
I assumed that she and I would always be together.
I assumed that she had my best interests at heart.
I assumed that she wanted the same thing I did.
Notice a pattern?
Even through talking to someone every day it’s possible not to understand them. Communication is more than just spitting words at each other. It’s the process of using words and actions to convey meaning to a being outside you. Realize that people who aren’t in your head don’t get your intention or sometimes even your meaning. Showing someone you love them is such a multifaceted effort that it’s amazing to me that relationships work at all. There are so many convolutions possible between two people that it’s frightening. On the flip side of what I just said is the fact that the convolutions make relationships such fun and so worth the effort. Even riding a motorcycle through a burning building doesn’t carry the same rush as finally discovering a way to open up to a person you’re trying to woo.
So in my first marriage I made a serious mistake. I never asked my wife what she wanted. I continued to march as if I already had the answer and she would fall into lock step behind me. I didn’t (or couldn’t) comprehend that when two people get together they are still ‘2’ people. Two minds. Set sets of desires. Two ultimate destinies.
Ultimately she and I split, but I emerged from the event with some strengths and knowledge that I hadn’t possessed before. I also realized one thing; it’s not a good idea to think that everything will be alright tomorrow just because it is today.
Relationships take work. A level of effort that borders on the Herculean. Communication has to go both ways. It has to be realistic and it HAS to include both. Ever tried talking to a solid brick wall? Have any luck getting it to be a wooden fence?
By realistic I mean reasonable. Asking for things that are completely outside of your mate’s ability or willingness to provide is a sure way to failure. I’m not saying to keep secrets, although in all honesty all relationships have some secrets. There is no reason that you should have to reveal every single thing from your life to anyone. Some things are truly private. For the most part she or he will be willing to listen and try to make changes. Within reason.
Remember they are there because they were flexible enough to accept you in the first place. But more to the point a bond of trust exists. That bond will ensure a willing audience. It goes without saying that there are things I’ve revealed to my wife that I wouldn’t reveal to my mother. I trust that she will keep those things in confidence and because that bond of trust exists between us, I am free to share or ask of her what I will. And it goes both ways, she trusts me so opening up is easier.
Notice I didn’t say easy. I said easier. It’s never easy to give that much of yourself away without knowing exactly what you will get in return. But that bond of trust greases the wheels. You have less chance of feeling judged.
That’s why communication, true communication, is so damned necessary. Just talking won’t do it. There has to be an understanding by both of you that judgment and recrimination are not a part of the equation. There has to be full knowledge that your words or feelings won’t end up in the National Enquirer.
Or the six o’clock news…
Okay, I have some experience in the arena. In my short time on the planet I’ve been married twice. To two incredible women who are as different from each other as night and day. All told, my marriage experience runs over 22 years. I have raised my children and travelled around the world. I’ve got life experience garnered the hard way, like most everyone else. I’ve managed to learn a thing or two because I love to study the human animal up close and personal. But a relationship series?
Hmm…
Let me say this much – I am not a trained professional. All my information is home spun and hard knock taught. You will probably never see me on Oprah giving advice to husbands and wives across America. Not that I would anyway…
On the other hand, I have earned every single scar that I possess. My memories of love and pain are as relevant to the current state of relationships as anyone else. And on top of that, I am not ashamed to talk about my mistakes, just as I am not ashamed to talk about my triumphs.
What is a relationship between a man and a woman but a series of dismal mistakes and ultimate triumphs? A realization of how two people can complete each other in a way that simply isn’t possible for an individual.
Not to say that being on your own for a period of time is a bad thing. Some of my most effective learning experiences have come from spending time alone, getting to know who I truly was. But to feel whole, to feel truly needed, there has to be more than one. Remember, you can almost always get away with lying to yourself, but you can only lie to another person for so long.
Over the course of my two marriages one theme has been constant. Communication is the key to survival. When I was first married, I assumed that we were communicating. Hell, we’d been high school sweethearts. We had survived the destruction of our mothers friendship and the temptation of other people. Including the first two years of my time in the Army. I thought that I knew her and she knew me.
My mistake was in the assumption. It was also in forgetting a prime fact about people – they change.
I assumed that she and I would always be together.
I assumed that she had my best interests at heart.
I assumed that she wanted the same thing I did.
Notice a pattern?
Even through talking to someone every day it’s possible not to understand them. Communication is more than just spitting words at each other. It’s the process of using words and actions to convey meaning to a being outside you. Realize that people who aren’t in your head don’t get your intention or sometimes even your meaning. Showing someone you love them is such a multifaceted effort that it’s amazing to me that relationships work at all. There are so many convolutions possible between two people that it’s frightening. On the flip side of what I just said is the fact that the convolutions make relationships such fun and so worth the effort. Even riding a motorcycle through a burning building doesn’t carry the same rush as finally discovering a way to open up to a person you’re trying to woo.
So in my first marriage I made a serious mistake. I never asked my wife what she wanted. I continued to march as if I already had the answer and she would fall into lock step behind me. I didn’t (or couldn’t) comprehend that when two people get together they are still ‘2’ people. Two minds. Set sets of desires. Two ultimate destinies.
Ultimately she and I split, but I emerged from the event with some strengths and knowledge that I hadn’t possessed before. I also realized one thing; it’s not a good idea to think that everything will be alright tomorrow just because it is today.
Relationships take work. A level of effort that borders on the Herculean. Communication has to go both ways. It has to be realistic and it HAS to include both. Ever tried talking to a solid brick wall? Have any luck getting it to be a wooden fence?
By realistic I mean reasonable. Asking for things that are completely outside of your mate’s ability or willingness to provide is a sure way to failure. I’m not saying to keep secrets, although in all honesty all relationships have some secrets. There is no reason that you should have to reveal every single thing from your life to anyone. Some things are truly private. For the most part she or he will be willing to listen and try to make changes. Within reason.
Remember they are there because they were flexible enough to accept you in the first place. But more to the point a bond of trust exists. That bond will ensure a willing audience. It goes without saying that there are things I’ve revealed to my wife that I wouldn’t reveal to my mother. I trust that she will keep those things in confidence and because that bond of trust exists between us, I am free to share or ask of her what I will. And it goes both ways, she trusts me so opening up is easier.
Notice I didn’t say easy. I said easier. It’s never easy to give that much of yourself away without knowing exactly what you will get in return. But that bond of trust greases the wheels. You have less chance of feeling judged.
That’s why communication, true communication, is so damned necessary. Just talking won’t do it. There has to be an understanding by both of you that judgment and recrimination are not a part of the equation. There has to be full knowledge that your words or feelings won’t end up in the National Enquirer.
Or the six o’clock news…
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Man up
What exactly does it mean to be a ‘Man’?
If you ask a hundred people you’re going to get a hundred different answers. For years now I’ve been trying to define what being a man means to me without much success. There are so many different facets that make up the concept and reality of ‘being a man’.
• It can mean holding a job and paying bills on time
• It can mean being a provider for those you care about
• It can mean being a leader and visionary
• It can mean riding a megaton rocket into orbit and being a hero
• And it can mean holding on to your values in the face of incredible adversity.
But is it more? The stuff above isn’t really all that taxing if you think about it logically. Okay, it’s true that finding and maintaining a job isn’t as easy as it used to be. But the reality of the work world hasn’t changed significantly. You go to work, do what you have to and draw a paycheck. Unless your job involves disarming bombs on a daily basis, it’s probably pretty safe.
No, what I’m talking are the more esoteric things. What about the journey to find a place in the world? What about the search for happiness and fulfillment as a living, breathing human being?
There’s supposed to be more to life than just paying bills and raising children. My way of thinking has always focused on meeting the needs of those that I am responsible for. Parents, family, children, my wife. But is there supposed to be more?
Life can be busy. So busy, in fact, that the things that matter the most get lost in the shuffle. At some point it becomes paramount to stop yourself and take stock. Some of the greatest lessons we learn don’t come out of any classroom. They come from sitting quietly with ourselves and being brutally honest about how we feel.
It becomes a question of – are you making choices or are your choices making you? For a long time I never understood the difference. I assumed that I was making choices and my life was proceeding accordingly. As it turns out, that is far from true.
In the space between heartbeats there are millions of choices. Go left or go right? Get married or stay single? Kids or no kids? Eat healthy or pig out on the fast food? Pay the light bill or buy food?
A man is presented with choices every day and quite a few things depend on making the right ones. The health and welfare of his family come immediately to mind. Sometimes a bad choice isn’t a total disaster. There are a ton of things that you can screw up and get a do-over. But again there’s that nagging question – what is a man, really? How many screw ups do you get? Is there a limit on fallibility?
I know someone who believes that everyone should live a life of action as opposed to reaction. This person thinks that all problems in life could be solved if people simply acted quickly and decisively no matter the situation. No one I know acts this way, not even the person who made the statement. I don’t really even know what a person like that would be like. Even the strongest leaders need to think things through before crashing through walls.
I also know a person who thinks that a man is supposed to be the rock and anchor for his home. He is expected to be there for everyone in the family whenever they need him regardless of the situation. He’s should be full of wisdom and useful knowledge, but also be a disciplinarian when the occasion calls for it. He shouldn’t show weakness, but then he also shouldn’t be so distant that he can’t connect. He should only find his wife attractive so as not to be tempted to stray. Sounds a bit like Ward Cleaver to me, but this person would be interesting to hang out with for about a minute or so. Beyond that I think the nearness of so much perfection might scar me for life…
Life takes twists and turns that no one can anticipate. Having a set of morals to live by helps to navigate the rapids, but the reality is, NO one is so solid that their morals or values are the sole guiding star in their world. You MUST be flexible. Even the strongest steel will eventually bend in the wind.
So I guess the answer to my question is - a man is flexible. Tough where he needs to be, and tender on the other side of it. A font of knowledge while also being open to learning new things. The other examples above are a bit too rigid for me. Ultimately being a man is exactly the same as being a human being.
Wow, whoda thunk it…
If you ask a hundred people you’re going to get a hundred different answers. For years now I’ve been trying to define what being a man means to me without much success. There are so many different facets that make up the concept and reality of ‘being a man’.
• It can mean holding a job and paying bills on time
• It can mean being a provider for those you care about
• It can mean being a leader and visionary
• It can mean riding a megaton rocket into orbit and being a hero
• And it can mean holding on to your values in the face of incredible adversity.
But is it more? The stuff above isn’t really all that taxing if you think about it logically. Okay, it’s true that finding and maintaining a job isn’t as easy as it used to be. But the reality of the work world hasn’t changed significantly. You go to work, do what you have to and draw a paycheck. Unless your job involves disarming bombs on a daily basis, it’s probably pretty safe.
No, what I’m talking are the more esoteric things. What about the journey to find a place in the world? What about the search for happiness and fulfillment as a living, breathing human being?
There’s supposed to be more to life than just paying bills and raising children. My way of thinking has always focused on meeting the needs of those that I am responsible for. Parents, family, children, my wife. But is there supposed to be more?
Life can be busy. So busy, in fact, that the things that matter the most get lost in the shuffle. At some point it becomes paramount to stop yourself and take stock. Some of the greatest lessons we learn don’t come out of any classroom. They come from sitting quietly with ourselves and being brutally honest about how we feel.
It becomes a question of – are you making choices or are your choices making you? For a long time I never understood the difference. I assumed that I was making choices and my life was proceeding accordingly. As it turns out, that is far from true.
In the space between heartbeats there are millions of choices. Go left or go right? Get married or stay single? Kids or no kids? Eat healthy or pig out on the fast food? Pay the light bill or buy food?
A man is presented with choices every day and quite a few things depend on making the right ones. The health and welfare of his family come immediately to mind. Sometimes a bad choice isn’t a total disaster. There are a ton of things that you can screw up and get a do-over. But again there’s that nagging question – what is a man, really? How many screw ups do you get? Is there a limit on fallibility?
I know someone who believes that everyone should live a life of action as opposed to reaction. This person thinks that all problems in life could be solved if people simply acted quickly and decisively no matter the situation. No one I know acts this way, not even the person who made the statement. I don’t really even know what a person like that would be like. Even the strongest leaders need to think things through before crashing through walls.
I also know a person who thinks that a man is supposed to be the rock and anchor for his home. He is expected to be there for everyone in the family whenever they need him regardless of the situation. He’s should be full of wisdom and useful knowledge, but also be a disciplinarian when the occasion calls for it. He shouldn’t show weakness, but then he also shouldn’t be so distant that he can’t connect. He should only find his wife attractive so as not to be tempted to stray. Sounds a bit like Ward Cleaver to me, but this person would be interesting to hang out with for about a minute or so. Beyond that I think the nearness of so much perfection might scar me for life…
Life takes twists and turns that no one can anticipate. Having a set of morals to live by helps to navigate the rapids, but the reality is, NO one is so solid that their morals or values are the sole guiding star in their world. You MUST be flexible. Even the strongest steel will eventually bend in the wind.
So I guess the answer to my question is - a man is flexible. Tough where he needs to be, and tender on the other side of it. A font of knowledge while also being open to learning new things. The other examples above are a bit too rigid for me. Ultimately being a man is exactly the same as being a human being.
Wow, whoda thunk it…
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