Not all who wander are lost...

Those who know me best are probably convinced that I am trying to live in the past. That is less than true, in fact, it's completely inaccurate.

My search isn't for the past. The reason I write these entries has less to do with reliving the past and everything to do with discovering my future.

I use the past as an acid test.

When I was younger I had much more interest in the true inner workings of the world. I studied history and science. I saw a great and wonderful pattern in the way that we humans, as a species, seemed to be able to overcome every adversity. It didn't matter if the problem was being worried about what might eat us when we left the cave, or if it was how to bake the perfect cookie. We always manage to find a way to get what we want.

And if you trust what you see in the movies, we are the greatest thing in creation.

Self centered? Yeah, I guess so. But until we find out if there is anyone else it kind of makes sense.

So anyway, I am using how I used to feel in the past as a barometer for what I feel now. There was a time when I was interested in being in the history books. Now I don't care.

More recently I wanted to start a company that would act as a business incubator for small to medium businesses for the southern part of Altanta Metro. Now I don't.

I used to want to have a radio show that dealt with issues in the black community in Portland. I even went so far as to create a 6 page proposal for the radio station general manager (anyone interested let me know and I'll post the proposal - yeah, I still have it after 10 years). Now I don't really care what happens in the black community. At least not like I did.

So the barometer jumps and twists like a snake with a hernia in the hot desert. The things that used to matter don't. Part of that is normal. As people grow and mature the things they want to do naturally change. But how does a person go from a caring individual to just not giving a fuck?

That's where I am today. Today my concerns are my mortgage and bills, the search for a new job, making sure my kids grow up into thinking, questioning adults. And that's it. There really isn't anything else.

Somewhere along the road of trials that is the last 16 years of life, I've put everything behind me. The problem is, I don't know if the shift in my thinking is natural or forced.

Okay, so suppose this is a natural, normal change. A sort of letting go of the things I held onto in order to create some kind of future. What does that imply about the things that I held onto and wanted? Does that mean that they never really mattered? Does it mean that they weren't important? Does it mean that they were wrong?

I really don't know.

The trip back home in August helped put a few things into perspective. I realized that Georgia doesn't have to be the end-all be-all of my life. Moving here was no different than moving to Florida in 1995, or all the moving that I did as a kid. This is just a place, like any other place and when I am ready (or fed up enough) I will move on. So that was a welcome relief. It was nice to realize that the rest of the world didn't suddenly cease to exist because I felt trapped here.

But the trip also opened a new can of worms. If Georgia wasn't my final stop and the Pacific Northwest is pretty much closed to me because of the steep rise in the cost of living, what does that leave me with? Where else could I go to be happy? If I am to stay married then Alaska is out. My wife has made it clear that she has no interest. California is too damned expensive. Florida is pretty nice, but the summers can be pretty damned intense. I'm not really interested in the interior of the country because it puts me too far away from the ocean.

So once again the barometer starts to twist and flex and I begin to realize that I really don't care anymore about where I live. One place is pretty much the same as any other. Sure the people and climate can be different, but rent is rent, gas is gas and jobs are scarce all over.

So, no I am not living in the past. That would be stupid. The past is dead, buried and over with. I can't help but think about it, but I realize that's a trap as well. Thinking about things that happened a long time ago tends to paint them with a patina of acceptability, as if things were actually better at some point in the past than they are now. With closer inspection I usually find that this is as far from the truth as it can be.

I suppose I will keep wandering. It's really the only thing I know how to do well. If I keep searching, maybe one day I will find the answer I seek.