Man up

What exactly does it mean to be a ‘Man’?

If you ask a hundred people you’re going to get a hundred different answers. For years now I’ve been trying to define what being a man means to me without much success. There are so many different facets that make up the concept and reality of ‘being a man’.

• It can mean holding a job and paying bills on time
• It can mean being a provider for those you care about
• It can mean being a leader and visionary
• It can mean riding a megaton rocket into orbit and being a hero
• And it can mean holding on to your values in the face of incredible adversity.

But is it more? The stuff above isn’t really all that taxing if you think about it logically. Okay, it’s true that finding and maintaining a job isn’t as easy as it used to be. But the reality of the work world hasn’t changed significantly. You go to work, do what you have to and draw a paycheck. Unless your job involves disarming bombs on a daily basis, it’s probably pretty safe.

No, what I’m talking are the more esoteric things. What about the journey to find a place in the world? What about the search for happiness and fulfillment as a living, breathing human being?

There’s supposed to be more to life than just paying bills and raising children. My way of thinking has always focused on meeting the needs of those that I am responsible for. Parents, family, children, my wife. But is there supposed to be more?

Life can be busy. So busy, in fact, that the things that matter the most get lost in the shuffle. At some point it becomes paramount to stop yourself and take stock. Some of the greatest lessons we learn don’t come out of any classroom. They come from sitting quietly with ourselves and being brutally honest about how we feel.
It becomes a question of – are you making choices or are your choices making you? For a long time I never understood the difference. I assumed that I was making choices and my life was proceeding accordingly. As it turns out, that is far from true.

In the space between heartbeats there are millions of choices. Go left or go right? Get married or stay single? Kids or no kids? Eat healthy or pig out on the fast food? Pay the light bill or buy food?

A man is presented with choices every day and quite a few things depend on making the right ones. The health and welfare of his family come immediately to mind. Sometimes a bad choice isn’t a total disaster. There are a ton of things that you can screw up and get a do-over. But again there’s that nagging question – what is a man, really? How many screw ups do you get? Is there a limit on fallibility?

I know someone who believes that everyone should live a life of action as opposed to reaction. This person thinks that all problems in life could be solved if people simply acted quickly and decisively no matter the situation. No one I know acts this way, not even the person who made the statement. I don’t really even know what a person like that would be like. Even the strongest leaders need to think things through before crashing through walls.

I also know a person who thinks that a man is supposed to be the rock and anchor for his home. He is expected to be there for everyone in the family whenever they need him regardless of the situation. He’s should be full of wisdom and useful knowledge, but also be a disciplinarian when the occasion calls for it. He shouldn’t show weakness, but then he also shouldn’t be so distant that he can’t connect. He should only find his wife attractive so as not to be tempted to stray. Sounds a bit like Ward Cleaver to me, but this person would be interesting to hang out with for about a minute or so. Beyond that I think the nearness of so much perfection might scar me for life…

Life takes twists and turns that no one can anticipate. Having a set of morals to live by helps to navigate the rapids, but the reality is, NO one is so solid that their morals or values are the sole guiding star in their world. You MUST be flexible. Even the strongest steel will eventually bend in the wind.

So I guess the answer to my question is - a man is flexible. Tough where he needs to be, and tender on the other side of it. A font of knowledge while also being open to learning new things. The other examples above are a bit too rigid for me. Ultimately being a man is exactly the same as being a human being.

Wow, whoda thunk it…