Although I have been writing all of my life, when the opportunity arose to do a series of articles on relationships, I had to step back for a moment and think about it.
Okay, I have some experience in the arena. In my short time on the planet I’ve been married twice. To two incredible women who are as different from each other as night and day. All told, my marriage experience runs over 22 years. I have raised my children and travelled around the world. I’ve got life experience garnered the hard way, like most everyone else. I’ve managed to learn a thing or two because I love to study the human animal up close and personal. But a relationship series?
Hmm…
Let me say this much – I am not a trained professional. All my information is home spun and hard knock taught. You will probably never see me on Oprah giving advice to husbands and wives across America. Not that I would anyway…
On the other hand, I have earned every single scar that I possess. My memories of love and pain are as relevant to the current state of relationships as anyone else. And on top of that, I am not ashamed to talk about my mistakes, just as I am not ashamed to talk about my triumphs.
What is a relationship between a man and a woman but a series of dismal mistakes and ultimate triumphs? A realization of how two people can complete each other in a way that simply isn’t possible for an individual.
Not to say that being on your own for a period of time is a bad thing. Some of my most effective learning experiences have come from spending time alone, getting to know who I truly was. But to feel whole, to feel truly needed, there has to be more than one. Remember, you can almost always get away with lying to yourself, but you can only lie to another person for so long.
Over the course of my two marriages one theme has been constant. Communication is the key to survival. When I was first married, I assumed that we were communicating. Hell, we’d been high school sweethearts. We had survived the destruction of our mothers friendship and the temptation of other people. Including the first two years of my time in the Army. I thought that I knew her and she knew me.
My mistake was in the assumption. It was also in forgetting a prime fact about people – they change.
I assumed that she and I would always be together.
I assumed that she had my best interests at heart.
I assumed that she wanted the same thing I did.
Notice a pattern?
Even through talking to someone every day it’s possible not to understand them. Communication is more than just spitting words at each other. It’s the process of using words and actions to convey meaning to a being outside you. Realize that people who aren’t in your head don’t get your intention or sometimes even your meaning. Showing someone you love them is such a multifaceted effort that it’s amazing to me that relationships work at all. There are so many convolutions possible between two people that it’s frightening. On the flip side of what I just said is the fact that the convolutions make relationships such fun and so worth the effort. Even riding a motorcycle through a burning building doesn’t carry the same rush as finally discovering a way to open up to a person you’re trying to woo.
So in my first marriage I made a serious mistake. I never asked my wife what she wanted. I continued to march as if I already had the answer and she would fall into lock step behind me. I didn’t (or couldn’t) comprehend that when two people get together they are still ‘2’ people. Two minds. Set sets of desires. Two ultimate destinies.
Ultimately she and I split, but I emerged from the event with some strengths and knowledge that I hadn’t possessed before. I also realized one thing; it’s not a good idea to think that everything will be alright tomorrow just because it is today.
Relationships take work. A level of effort that borders on the Herculean. Communication has to go both ways. It has to be realistic and it HAS to include both. Ever tried talking to a solid brick wall? Have any luck getting it to be a wooden fence?
By realistic I mean reasonable. Asking for things that are completely outside of your mate’s ability or willingness to provide is a sure way to failure. I’m not saying to keep secrets, although in all honesty all relationships have some secrets. There is no reason that you should have to reveal every single thing from your life to anyone. Some things are truly private. For the most part she or he will be willing to listen and try to make changes. Within reason.
Remember they are there because they were flexible enough to accept you in the first place. But more to the point a bond of trust exists. That bond will ensure a willing audience. It goes without saying that there are things I’ve revealed to my wife that I wouldn’t reveal to my mother. I trust that she will keep those things in confidence and because that bond of trust exists between us, I am free to share or ask of her what I will. And it goes both ways, she trusts me so opening up is easier.
Notice I didn’t say easy. I said easier. It’s never easy to give that much of yourself away without knowing exactly what you will get in return. But that bond of trust greases the wheels. You have less chance of feeling judged.
That’s why communication, true communication, is so damned necessary. Just talking won’t do it. There has to be an understanding by both of you that judgment and recrimination are not a part of the equation. There has to be full knowledge that your words or feelings won’t end up in the National Enquirer.
Or the six o’clock news…
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