In a committed relationship this is the ultimate loaded question. It presupposes that something is wrong with one of you. It also presupposes that whatever the issue - it’s the other person who is responsible for the problem.
Men and women (or whatever your desire) are drawn to each other by biological, physical, emotional and religious imperatives that took thousands of years to develop. We are hardwired to seek out someone to share a portion of our lives.
Although I’ve met people who swear that they don’t need anybody, to this mindset I say - bullshit. Even if the other ‘person’ in your life is a dog, cat, or goldfish - human beings are designed to give and receive love. Even serial killers and terrorists love someone.
When you try to force the concept of ‘fixing’ someone so that you can love them, you cheapen everything that makes the relationship possible in the first place. Any true relationship is defined by the differences that promote growth. No two people are going to think or feel alike, so why would anyone feel that such a basic truth is subject to ‘fixing’?
It is our differences that make us stronger.
I’m not talking about a sociopath who goes out and kills children. I’m talking about the strengths and weaknesses we bring to the table. If you are a spender, you will invariably end up with a saver. If you are a workaholic, it’s a safe bet that you will end up with a nester. Variety is the spice of life and if you are a science fiction fan you will know that whoever controls the spice controls the universe…
If you take time to get to know the person you are with, you realize that they have the other half of the equation. Change any significant part of them and the equation becomes unbalanced.
Now all of this isn’t to say that you won’t seek to round off rough edges. I fully understand that having your mate throw banana peels on the kitchen floor gets annoying. But asking said partner to please hit the garbage can isn’t ‘changing’ anything. It’s asking for common courtesy.
True negative change requires reinventing the ‘soul’ of the person. It means taking a devout saver and turning them into a rampant spender. It means undermining and replacing the essence of an individual’s beliefs, feelings, thoughts, and values until they are no longer recognizable as individual. This can occur with or without the consent of the person being changed. Anyone of weak will can be easily molded and even strong willed people have a breaking point. Just ask any torture specialist or over amped type A personality…
It sounds unthinkable, but in an effort to make a relationship form itself to a desire, it happens all the time. As a race of beings who constantly seek to shape our environment to our needs, is it less rational to think that we would try to change the people in our lives?
So what’s the answer?
How about simple trust? Learn to listen, I mean really listen to what the significant other in your life has to say. Don’t judge. Don’t assume. Listen and respond from your heart. Even if the words that come out aren’t what you want to hear, it will be honest. And honesty is appreciated, even if it’s sometimes misunderstood. You can’t build trust without honesty and empathy.
Look at it this way. You chose this person for a reason. Something about them sparked the animal part of your brain and before you knew it, you were having dinner at that special place. Laughing at inane jokes and feeling the butterflies run amok in your stomach. There was a fire in those eyes that you couldn’t deny. You got them - and Lord Be Praised, they got you!
And it doesn’t matter if 20 days or 20 years have gone by; those initial feelings are still floating around. See them there? Just a little buried under layers of bills and dirty diapers and the mother-in-law from Hell. But during that one quiet instant, the moment when you catch each other’s eyes after a full day of fighting.
See - there it is... The spark. The actual junction of your relationship that defies description or explanation. The ‘it’ in your ‘us’ soup. Bruised, battered and dingy, but still there. Still pulsing with the slow knock of your heart.
Now, would you really want to change that?
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Monday, December 14, 2009
Learned perspective and the development of core values
I’ve never been a person who lives by a specific code. What I mean is, I invent my life as I go (probably not a unique trait.) Some of that comes from my upbringing. I moved around a lot as a child and flexibility was the name of the game. It was pretty near impossible to form a hardened mindset about anything because I never knew where I would end up and what I would have to cope with.
While I do have a strong moral compass, I don’t possess a solid set of Dr Laura type principles to fall back on when things go south. To me that dichotomy is interesting and the focus of this article.
I have been called a ‘good guy’ by people I trust (not in a good way mind you). What I think they mean is that I have a tendency to go out of my way not to hurt people’s feelings. Don’t get me wrong, if I am actually slighted I will respond, but I don’t go to extra lengths to hurt someone I don’t know (or someone I know or that matter). I’ve also been told that I take on too many responsibilities and don’t let those around me help.
There are three reasons for this.
1. I don’t believe in having people do things for me that I am perfectly capable of doing myself.
2. There are some things that I know I am faster at and it makes no sense to watch someone struggle with an issue I can handle in three seconds.
3. I’m not interested in making extra work for myself when a task gets done incorrectly and then has to be redone or fixed. (I am not the sort to watch someone do something over and over again when it’s obvious they don’t get it.)
The above list isn’t a value set, but I can see how they could be interpreted as one.
Since I never developed a rock solid way of looking at everything around me I’ve been free to reinvent myself. One month I can wear all black and listen only to rap music. The next month I am wearing a brighter color and am only interested in classical. The point is I don’t see the value in locking my heart to change. A lot of what I do believe deep inside comes from this notion.
I believe in family. I believe in love. I believe in Coney Island dogs and big pretzels. I trust that God has a plan for everyone, but I probably don’t believe in God the way that you do. I have my own version of heaven and hell (just like I think everyone really does). I feel pain when I look at the starving children around the world, but I am also aware that I am shallow enough to probably never do anything to help them. I am wrapped up in my own cocoon of self pity and anguish at the same time that I also love this entire world and the blue sky.
Values are contradictions when you get right down to it. I have so many friends who talk a good game about supporting their families and community and then never do anything for either. I have lived my whole life around people who claim to have religious and sanctified hearts only to be out on Friday and Saturday night drinking everything in the club and chasing after someone else’s wife. News stories run almost every day about some parent beating their child to death so they could have their freedom. And I’ll bet that all these different kinds of people have one thing in common.
They all have a value system.
It might not match mine or yours, but it’s a system that works for them nonetheless. It allows them to justify everything that happens in their world. Just like you and I do. But if you listen to certain people on the radio and TV, or in your family for that matter, you are supposed to develop one way of looking at the world so that you will fit into society. The popular concept is that marching lock-step with those around you will help you achieve in life. But wait, if that were true then why are there so many malcontents and social misfits making millions of dollars per year? Somebody somewhere is keeping secrets…
So, of what use is a value system?
My personal belief is that what you value determines how your life will be spent. Human beings are notorious creatures of habit and we observe those habits regardless of the circumstances. If we value companionship enough then we have friends and acquaintances. If we value money above all else, we will find ways to have a fat wallet. If we desire to be alone, well, there are ways to make that happen as well.
Values change. Usually as a person ages and experiences more of life there is a dawning wisdom about the nature of the world. It isn’t always accurate. Like I said earlier we are creatures of habit and one of our major habits is interpreting the world around us through our own filters. But remember the truest things about experience – Garbage In, Garbage Out. If those filters are clogged with years of resentment and living lies then the perception will be colored by that. If the filter is based in a sanitized version of the world then the perception will be tainted as well.
I guess my point is, since not very many of us see the world as it truly is, how can we claim to have a set system of values designed to cope with it all? I’m not the smartest person alive, but I do recognize that my perception is colored by who I have ‘decided’ to be at any one stage in life. Since I’ve started down the path with this blog I’ve figured out a lot. However, what I’ve discovered is the more stuff I learn the more ignorant I realize I am. Somehow, I think it will take more than a locked scheme of values to help with that.
While I do have a strong moral compass, I don’t possess a solid set of Dr Laura type principles to fall back on when things go south. To me that dichotomy is interesting and the focus of this article.
I have been called a ‘good guy’ by people I trust (not in a good way mind you). What I think they mean is that I have a tendency to go out of my way not to hurt people’s feelings. Don’t get me wrong, if I am actually slighted I will respond, but I don’t go to extra lengths to hurt someone I don’t know (or someone I know or that matter). I’ve also been told that I take on too many responsibilities and don’t let those around me help.
There are three reasons for this.
1. I don’t believe in having people do things for me that I am perfectly capable of doing myself.
2. There are some things that I know I am faster at and it makes no sense to watch someone struggle with an issue I can handle in three seconds.
3. I’m not interested in making extra work for myself when a task gets done incorrectly and then has to be redone or fixed. (I am not the sort to watch someone do something over and over again when it’s obvious they don’t get it.)
The above list isn’t a value set, but I can see how they could be interpreted as one.
Since I never developed a rock solid way of looking at everything around me I’ve been free to reinvent myself. One month I can wear all black and listen only to rap music. The next month I am wearing a brighter color and am only interested in classical. The point is I don’t see the value in locking my heart to change. A lot of what I do believe deep inside comes from this notion.
I believe in family. I believe in love. I believe in Coney Island dogs and big pretzels. I trust that God has a plan for everyone, but I probably don’t believe in God the way that you do. I have my own version of heaven and hell (just like I think everyone really does). I feel pain when I look at the starving children around the world, but I am also aware that I am shallow enough to probably never do anything to help them. I am wrapped up in my own cocoon of self pity and anguish at the same time that I also love this entire world and the blue sky.
Values are contradictions when you get right down to it. I have so many friends who talk a good game about supporting their families and community and then never do anything for either. I have lived my whole life around people who claim to have religious and sanctified hearts only to be out on Friday and Saturday night drinking everything in the club and chasing after someone else’s wife. News stories run almost every day about some parent beating their child to death so they could have their freedom. And I’ll bet that all these different kinds of people have one thing in common.
They all have a value system.
It might not match mine or yours, but it’s a system that works for them nonetheless. It allows them to justify everything that happens in their world. Just like you and I do. But if you listen to certain people on the radio and TV, or in your family for that matter, you are supposed to develop one way of looking at the world so that you will fit into society. The popular concept is that marching lock-step with those around you will help you achieve in life. But wait, if that were true then why are there so many malcontents and social misfits making millions of dollars per year? Somebody somewhere is keeping secrets…
So, of what use is a value system?
My personal belief is that what you value determines how your life will be spent. Human beings are notorious creatures of habit and we observe those habits regardless of the circumstances. If we value companionship enough then we have friends and acquaintances. If we value money above all else, we will find ways to have a fat wallet. If we desire to be alone, well, there are ways to make that happen as well.
Values change. Usually as a person ages and experiences more of life there is a dawning wisdom about the nature of the world. It isn’t always accurate. Like I said earlier we are creatures of habit and one of our major habits is interpreting the world around us through our own filters. But remember the truest things about experience – Garbage In, Garbage Out. If those filters are clogged with years of resentment and living lies then the perception will be colored by that. If the filter is based in a sanitized version of the world then the perception will be tainted as well.
I guess my point is, since not very many of us see the world as it truly is, how can we claim to have a set system of values designed to cope with it all? I’m not the smartest person alive, but I do recognize that my perception is colored by who I have ‘decided’ to be at any one stage in life. Since I’ve started down the path with this blog I’ve figured out a lot. However, what I’ve discovered is the more stuff I learn the more ignorant I realize I am. Somehow, I think it will take more than a locked scheme of values to help with that.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Communication is so much more than just talking
Although I have been writing all of my life, when the opportunity arose to do a series of articles on relationships, I had to step back for a moment and think about it.
Okay, I have some experience in the arena. In my short time on the planet I’ve been married twice. To two incredible women who are as different from each other as night and day. All told, my marriage experience runs over 22 years. I have raised my children and travelled around the world. I’ve got life experience garnered the hard way, like most everyone else. I’ve managed to learn a thing or two because I love to study the human animal up close and personal. But a relationship series?
Hmm…
Let me say this much – I am not a trained professional. All my information is home spun and hard knock taught. You will probably never see me on Oprah giving advice to husbands and wives across America. Not that I would anyway…
On the other hand, I have earned every single scar that I possess. My memories of love and pain are as relevant to the current state of relationships as anyone else. And on top of that, I am not ashamed to talk about my mistakes, just as I am not ashamed to talk about my triumphs.
What is a relationship between a man and a woman but a series of dismal mistakes and ultimate triumphs? A realization of how two people can complete each other in a way that simply isn’t possible for an individual.
Not to say that being on your own for a period of time is a bad thing. Some of my most effective learning experiences have come from spending time alone, getting to know who I truly was. But to feel whole, to feel truly needed, there has to be more than one. Remember, you can almost always get away with lying to yourself, but you can only lie to another person for so long.
Over the course of my two marriages one theme has been constant. Communication is the key to survival. When I was first married, I assumed that we were communicating. Hell, we’d been high school sweethearts. We had survived the destruction of our mothers friendship and the temptation of other people. Including the first two years of my time in the Army. I thought that I knew her and she knew me.
My mistake was in the assumption. It was also in forgetting a prime fact about people – they change.
I assumed that she and I would always be together.
I assumed that she had my best interests at heart.
I assumed that she wanted the same thing I did.
Notice a pattern?
Even through talking to someone every day it’s possible not to understand them. Communication is more than just spitting words at each other. It’s the process of using words and actions to convey meaning to a being outside you. Realize that people who aren’t in your head don’t get your intention or sometimes even your meaning. Showing someone you love them is such a multifaceted effort that it’s amazing to me that relationships work at all. There are so many convolutions possible between two people that it’s frightening. On the flip side of what I just said is the fact that the convolutions make relationships such fun and so worth the effort. Even riding a motorcycle through a burning building doesn’t carry the same rush as finally discovering a way to open up to a person you’re trying to woo.
So in my first marriage I made a serious mistake. I never asked my wife what she wanted. I continued to march as if I already had the answer and she would fall into lock step behind me. I didn’t (or couldn’t) comprehend that when two people get together they are still ‘2’ people. Two minds. Set sets of desires. Two ultimate destinies.
Ultimately she and I split, but I emerged from the event with some strengths and knowledge that I hadn’t possessed before. I also realized one thing; it’s not a good idea to think that everything will be alright tomorrow just because it is today.
Relationships take work. A level of effort that borders on the Herculean. Communication has to go both ways. It has to be realistic and it HAS to include both. Ever tried talking to a solid brick wall? Have any luck getting it to be a wooden fence?
By realistic I mean reasonable. Asking for things that are completely outside of your mate’s ability or willingness to provide is a sure way to failure. I’m not saying to keep secrets, although in all honesty all relationships have some secrets. There is no reason that you should have to reveal every single thing from your life to anyone. Some things are truly private. For the most part she or he will be willing to listen and try to make changes. Within reason.
Remember they are there because they were flexible enough to accept you in the first place. But more to the point a bond of trust exists. That bond will ensure a willing audience. It goes without saying that there are things I’ve revealed to my wife that I wouldn’t reveal to my mother. I trust that she will keep those things in confidence and because that bond of trust exists between us, I am free to share or ask of her what I will. And it goes both ways, she trusts me so opening up is easier.
Notice I didn’t say easy. I said easier. It’s never easy to give that much of yourself away without knowing exactly what you will get in return. But that bond of trust greases the wheels. You have less chance of feeling judged.
That’s why communication, true communication, is so damned necessary. Just talking won’t do it. There has to be an understanding by both of you that judgment and recrimination are not a part of the equation. There has to be full knowledge that your words or feelings won’t end up in the National Enquirer.
Or the six o’clock news…
Okay, I have some experience in the arena. In my short time on the planet I’ve been married twice. To two incredible women who are as different from each other as night and day. All told, my marriage experience runs over 22 years. I have raised my children and travelled around the world. I’ve got life experience garnered the hard way, like most everyone else. I’ve managed to learn a thing or two because I love to study the human animal up close and personal. But a relationship series?
Hmm…
Let me say this much – I am not a trained professional. All my information is home spun and hard knock taught. You will probably never see me on Oprah giving advice to husbands and wives across America. Not that I would anyway…
On the other hand, I have earned every single scar that I possess. My memories of love and pain are as relevant to the current state of relationships as anyone else. And on top of that, I am not ashamed to talk about my mistakes, just as I am not ashamed to talk about my triumphs.
What is a relationship between a man and a woman but a series of dismal mistakes and ultimate triumphs? A realization of how two people can complete each other in a way that simply isn’t possible for an individual.
Not to say that being on your own for a period of time is a bad thing. Some of my most effective learning experiences have come from spending time alone, getting to know who I truly was. But to feel whole, to feel truly needed, there has to be more than one. Remember, you can almost always get away with lying to yourself, but you can only lie to another person for so long.
Over the course of my two marriages one theme has been constant. Communication is the key to survival. When I was first married, I assumed that we were communicating. Hell, we’d been high school sweethearts. We had survived the destruction of our mothers friendship and the temptation of other people. Including the first two years of my time in the Army. I thought that I knew her and she knew me.
My mistake was in the assumption. It was also in forgetting a prime fact about people – they change.
I assumed that she and I would always be together.
I assumed that she had my best interests at heart.
I assumed that she wanted the same thing I did.
Notice a pattern?
Even through talking to someone every day it’s possible not to understand them. Communication is more than just spitting words at each other. It’s the process of using words and actions to convey meaning to a being outside you. Realize that people who aren’t in your head don’t get your intention or sometimes even your meaning. Showing someone you love them is such a multifaceted effort that it’s amazing to me that relationships work at all. There are so many convolutions possible between two people that it’s frightening. On the flip side of what I just said is the fact that the convolutions make relationships such fun and so worth the effort. Even riding a motorcycle through a burning building doesn’t carry the same rush as finally discovering a way to open up to a person you’re trying to woo.
So in my first marriage I made a serious mistake. I never asked my wife what she wanted. I continued to march as if I already had the answer and she would fall into lock step behind me. I didn’t (or couldn’t) comprehend that when two people get together they are still ‘2’ people. Two minds. Set sets of desires. Two ultimate destinies.
Ultimately she and I split, but I emerged from the event with some strengths and knowledge that I hadn’t possessed before. I also realized one thing; it’s not a good idea to think that everything will be alright tomorrow just because it is today.
Relationships take work. A level of effort that borders on the Herculean. Communication has to go both ways. It has to be realistic and it HAS to include both. Ever tried talking to a solid brick wall? Have any luck getting it to be a wooden fence?
By realistic I mean reasonable. Asking for things that are completely outside of your mate’s ability or willingness to provide is a sure way to failure. I’m not saying to keep secrets, although in all honesty all relationships have some secrets. There is no reason that you should have to reveal every single thing from your life to anyone. Some things are truly private. For the most part she or he will be willing to listen and try to make changes. Within reason.
Remember they are there because they were flexible enough to accept you in the first place. But more to the point a bond of trust exists. That bond will ensure a willing audience. It goes without saying that there are things I’ve revealed to my wife that I wouldn’t reveal to my mother. I trust that she will keep those things in confidence and because that bond of trust exists between us, I am free to share or ask of her what I will. And it goes both ways, she trusts me so opening up is easier.
Notice I didn’t say easy. I said easier. It’s never easy to give that much of yourself away without knowing exactly what you will get in return. But that bond of trust greases the wheels. You have less chance of feeling judged.
That’s why communication, true communication, is so damned necessary. Just talking won’t do it. There has to be an understanding by both of you that judgment and recrimination are not a part of the equation. There has to be full knowledge that your words or feelings won’t end up in the National Enquirer.
Or the six o’clock news…
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Man up
What exactly does it mean to be a ‘Man’?
If you ask a hundred people you’re going to get a hundred different answers. For years now I’ve been trying to define what being a man means to me without much success. There are so many different facets that make up the concept and reality of ‘being a man’.
• It can mean holding a job and paying bills on time
• It can mean being a provider for those you care about
• It can mean being a leader and visionary
• It can mean riding a megaton rocket into orbit and being a hero
• And it can mean holding on to your values in the face of incredible adversity.
But is it more? The stuff above isn’t really all that taxing if you think about it logically. Okay, it’s true that finding and maintaining a job isn’t as easy as it used to be. But the reality of the work world hasn’t changed significantly. You go to work, do what you have to and draw a paycheck. Unless your job involves disarming bombs on a daily basis, it’s probably pretty safe.
No, what I’m talking are the more esoteric things. What about the journey to find a place in the world? What about the search for happiness and fulfillment as a living, breathing human being?
There’s supposed to be more to life than just paying bills and raising children. My way of thinking has always focused on meeting the needs of those that I am responsible for. Parents, family, children, my wife. But is there supposed to be more?
Life can be busy. So busy, in fact, that the things that matter the most get lost in the shuffle. At some point it becomes paramount to stop yourself and take stock. Some of the greatest lessons we learn don’t come out of any classroom. They come from sitting quietly with ourselves and being brutally honest about how we feel.
It becomes a question of – are you making choices or are your choices making you? For a long time I never understood the difference. I assumed that I was making choices and my life was proceeding accordingly. As it turns out, that is far from true.
In the space between heartbeats there are millions of choices. Go left or go right? Get married or stay single? Kids or no kids? Eat healthy or pig out on the fast food? Pay the light bill or buy food?
A man is presented with choices every day and quite a few things depend on making the right ones. The health and welfare of his family come immediately to mind. Sometimes a bad choice isn’t a total disaster. There are a ton of things that you can screw up and get a do-over. But again there’s that nagging question – what is a man, really? How many screw ups do you get? Is there a limit on fallibility?
I know someone who believes that everyone should live a life of action as opposed to reaction. This person thinks that all problems in life could be solved if people simply acted quickly and decisively no matter the situation. No one I know acts this way, not even the person who made the statement. I don’t really even know what a person like that would be like. Even the strongest leaders need to think things through before crashing through walls.
I also know a person who thinks that a man is supposed to be the rock and anchor for his home. He is expected to be there for everyone in the family whenever they need him regardless of the situation. He’s should be full of wisdom and useful knowledge, but also be a disciplinarian when the occasion calls for it. He shouldn’t show weakness, but then he also shouldn’t be so distant that he can’t connect. He should only find his wife attractive so as not to be tempted to stray. Sounds a bit like Ward Cleaver to me, but this person would be interesting to hang out with for about a minute or so. Beyond that I think the nearness of so much perfection might scar me for life…
Life takes twists and turns that no one can anticipate. Having a set of morals to live by helps to navigate the rapids, but the reality is, NO one is so solid that their morals or values are the sole guiding star in their world. You MUST be flexible. Even the strongest steel will eventually bend in the wind.
So I guess the answer to my question is - a man is flexible. Tough where he needs to be, and tender on the other side of it. A font of knowledge while also being open to learning new things. The other examples above are a bit too rigid for me. Ultimately being a man is exactly the same as being a human being.
Wow, whoda thunk it…
If you ask a hundred people you’re going to get a hundred different answers. For years now I’ve been trying to define what being a man means to me without much success. There are so many different facets that make up the concept and reality of ‘being a man’.
• It can mean holding a job and paying bills on time
• It can mean being a provider for those you care about
• It can mean being a leader and visionary
• It can mean riding a megaton rocket into orbit and being a hero
• And it can mean holding on to your values in the face of incredible adversity.
But is it more? The stuff above isn’t really all that taxing if you think about it logically. Okay, it’s true that finding and maintaining a job isn’t as easy as it used to be. But the reality of the work world hasn’t changed significantly. You go to work, do what you have to and draw a paycheck. Unless your job involves disarming bombs on a daily basis, it’s probably pretty safe.
No, what I’m talking are the more esoteric things. What about the journey to find a place in the world? What about the search for happiness and fulfillment as a living, breathing human being?
There’s supposed to be more to life than just paying bills and raising children. My way of thinking has always focused on meeting the needs of those that I am responsible for. Parents, family, children, my wife. But is there supposed to be more?
Life can be busy. So busy, in fact, that the things that matter the most get lost in the shuffle. At some point it becomes paramount to stop yourself and take stock. Some of the greatest lessons we learn don’t come out of any classroom. They come from sitting quietly with ourselves and being brutally honest about how we feel.
It becomes a question of – are you making choices or are your choices making you? For a long time I never understood the difference. I assumed that I was making choices and my life was proceeding accordingly. As it turns out, that is far from true.
In the space between heartbeats there are millions of choices. Go left or go right? Get married or stay single? Kids or no kids? Eat healthy or pig out on the fast food? Pay the light bill or buy food?
A man is presented with choices every day and quite a few things depend on making the right ones. The health and welfare of his family come immediately to mind. Sometimes a bad choice isn’t a total disaster. There are a ton of things that you can screw up and get a do-over. But again there’s that nagging question – what is a man, really? How many screw ups do you get? Is there a limit on fallibility?
I know someone who believes that everyone should live a life of action as opposed to reaction. This person thinks that all problems in life could be solved if people simply acted quickly and decisively no matter the situation. No one I know acts this way, not even the person who made the statement. I don’t really even know what a person like that would be like. Even the strongest leaders need to think things through before crashing through walls.
I also know a person who thinks that a man is supposed to be the rock and anchor for his home. He is expected to be there for everyone in the family whenever they need him regardless of the situation. He’s should be full of wisdom and useful knowledge, but also be a disciplinarian when the occasion calls for it. He shouldn’t show weakness, but then he also shouldn’t be so distant that he can’t connect. He should only find his wife attractive so as not to be tempted to stray. Sounds a bit like Ward Cleaver to me, but this person would be interesting to hang out with for about a minute or so. Beyond that I think the nearness of so much perfection might scar me for life…
Life takes twists and turns that no one can anticipate. Having a set of morals to live by helps to navigate the rapids, but the reality is, NO one is so solid that their morals or values are the sole guiding star in their world. You MUST be flexible. Even the strongest steel will eventually bend in the wind.
So I guess the answer to my question is - a man is flexible. Tough where he needs to be, and tender on the other side of it. A font of knowledge while also being open to learning new things. The other examples above are a bit too rigid for me. Ultimately being a man is exactly the same as being a human being.
Wow, whoda thunk it…
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Monday, August 17, 2009
Figuring it all out
It’s been a long time since I posted to this.
Life takes twists and turns that would make the most hardcore rollercoaster rider sick in just a few seconds. My life is no different.
Since I left AT&T a year ago I have been trying with all my might to make my way in the world according to my own rules. This includes a career or business that I have deep passion for. Not just something that I take because it offers a steady paycheck.
For the first time in my life I felt a powerful need for something that was uniquely mine. A way for me to stand up and say that I’d created something that matters.
I’ve had enough examples of people who have made it doing their own thing. People in my personal life and those I’ve read about over the years who decided that the status quo wasn’t enough. It’s easy to go through life working for someone else. It’s less taxing to have others making the decision about what you are going to do every day and how much money they are going to pay you for it. There’s no real struggle in getting up in the morning and clocking in at the job 5 days a week and doing the bare minimum. But, what I wonder is, despite all of that, is there any true joy in conformity?
In my whole 44 years I have only met one man who claims to be completely happy with his job. He says that it gives him everything he could want. It is a job he’s been doing for probably more than 20 years and he sees no reason to look for another one. More power to him.
That’s one person out of several hundred. I've lost count of the blogs on the web by people who are dissatisfied with their jobs or career choices. One woman in particular started a blog that dealt with ways to leave the rat race and find a true calling. Her blog eventually led to a published book and a speaking tour that has made her life just what she wanted it to be. My hat is off to Pamela Slim and the Escape from Cubicle Nation podcast and blog. She was one of my inspirations to follow my dream.
It hasn’t been easy. And it’s far from being over.
I should have spent more time defining just what the goal was before I jumped. I knew that I wanted to work for myself and the clients I chose. I also knew that whatever I did, it would involve writing. I wasn’t completely locked on any one idea, I just wanted to be able to sit down at a keyboard and produce things that people would be able to use to sell their products or market their company. I also should have set an end time to put the dream aside if I realized that I wasn’t getting anywhere.
Within the last few months I’ve managed to make a bit of money that ties directly into the dream. But it’s not enough to live on yet. It’s not really even enough to brag about. But it is progress and gives me the encouragement I need to keep going. I won a contract with a company to produce sales pitches and I’m working with two other companies to develop web content and a business plan.
Momentum is a good thing, especially when it has to do with keeping a dream from turning into a class A nightmare. But I’ll say it again, this hasn’t been easy.
There have been a lot of sleepless nights and anxiety over my choices. A part of the anxiety rises from the fact that I am trying to follow my own path different from the one I was ‘told’ to follow. I’ve always been encouraged to get a good education and then find a company to stay with until I retire. Not once did the words ‘start your own business’ pass anyone’s lips. No one in my family owns their own business. It’s been a tradition for almost everyone to stay with one or two companies until retirement.
I’m trying to build a business so that I can be a model for my children to follow. I don’t really want them graduating from school and just looking for a job. I want them to build something of their own so that their children won’t have to struggle the way I have. Who knows, maybe three generations down the line we will have something that my grandparents dreamed of – a secure future.
I’m trying to build this business for myself as well. I don’t want to be lying on my deathbed with the only accomplishment I can show for my life being that I was on time for work every day, or winning employee of the month 20 years ago…
Another reason for my anxiety is that I chose to try business ownership in one of the worst economies of my life. The powers that be don’t want to use the D word, but I don’t mind calling a spade a spade. This is our (the 21st century version) of the great depression. It’s different from the one in the 30’s, but for all intents a purposes we are in a financial drought that is affecting the entire world.
Companies are laying people off in record numbers and tightening their belts. They really need the help of external contractors but most are so concerned with spending money that they would rather do without. This trend is probably going to continue for some time and since I am essentially a consultant, I have to make the best of the situation. There are people out there who have prospered during this period. I don’t feel that I am any less intelligent than they are. Perhaps I am a bit less skilled in bringing in new business, but that will change with time.
Dictating our path through life is the only real power that we have. You can’t control when you die. You can’t control your family. You can’t control your friends. You can’t control the weather. And you certainly can’t control the company you work for. The best you can do when you work for someone else is keep you head down and hope the axe misses your neck.
If I have to choose between the uncertainty of working for myself and the uncertainty of working for someone else, I’ll take the former every time.
Life takes twists and turns that would make the most hardcore rollercoaster rider sick in just a few seconds. My life is no different.
Since I left AT&T a year ago I have been trying with all my might to make my way in the world according to my own rules. This includes a career or business that I have deep passion for. Not just something that I take because it offers a steady paycheck.
For the first time in my life I felt a powerful need for something that was uniquely mine. A way for me to stand up and say that I’d created something that matters.
I’ve had enough examples of people who have made it doing their own thing. People in my personal life and those I’ve read about over the years who decided that the status quo wasn’t enough. It’s easy to go through life working for someone else. It’s less taxing to have others making the decision about what you are going to do every day and how much money they are going to pay you for it. There’s no real struggle in getting up in the morning and clocking in at the job 5 days a week and doing the bare minimum. But, what I wonder is, despite all of that, is there any true joy in conformity?
In my whole 44 years I have only met one man who claims to be completely happy with his job. He says that it gives him everything he could want. It is a job he’s been doing for probably more than 20 years and he sees no reason to look for another one. More power to him.
That’s one person out of several hundred. I've lost count of the blogs on the web by people who are dissatisfied with their jobs or career choices. One woman in particular started a blog that dealt with ways to leave the rat race and find a true calling. Her blog eventually led to a published book and a speaking tour that has made her life just what she wanted it to be. My hat is off to Pamela Slim and the Escape from Cubicle Nation podcast and blog. She was one of my inspirations to follow my dream.
It hasn’t been easy. And it’s far from being over.
I should have spent more time defining just what the goal was before I jumped. I knew that I wanted to work for myself and the clients I chose. I also knew that whatever I did, it would involve writing. I wasn’t completely locked on any one idea, I just wanted to be able to sit down at a keyboard and produce things that people would be able to use to sell their products or market their company. I also should have set an end time to put the dream aside if I realized that I wasn’t getting anywhere.
Within the last few months I’ve managed to make a bit of money that ties directly into the dream. But it’s not enough to live on yet. It’s not really even enough to brag about. But it is progress and gives me the encouragement I need to keep going. I won a contract with a company to produce sales pitches and I’m working with two other companies to develop web content and a business plan.
Momentum is a good thing, especially when it has to do with keeping a dream from turning into a class A nightmare. But I’ll say it again, this hasn’t been easy.
There have been a lot of sleepless nights and anxiety over my choices. A part of the anxiety rises from the fact that I am trying to follow my own path different from the one I was ‘told’ to follow. I’ve always been encouraged to get a good education and then find a company to stay with until I retire. Not once did the words ‘start your own business’ pass anyone’s lips. No one in my family owns their own business. It’s been a tradition for almost everyone to stay with one or two companies until retirement.
I’m trying to build a business so that I can be a model for my children to follow. I don’t really want them graduating from school and just looking for a job. I want them to build something of their own so that their children won’t have to struggle the way I have. Who knows, maybe three generations down the line we will have something that my grandparents dreamed of – a secure future.
I’m trying to build this business for myself as well. I don’t want to be lying on my deathbed with the only accomplishment I can show for my life being that I was on time for work every day, or winning employee of the month 20 years ago…
Another reason for my anxiety is that I chose to try business ownership in one of the worst economies of my life. The powers that be don’t want to use the D word, but I don’t mind calling a spade a spade. This is our (the 21st century version) of the great depression. It’s different from the one in the 30’s, but for all intents a purposes we are in a financial drought that is affecting the entire world.
Companies are laying people off in record numbers and tightening their belts. They really need the help of external contractors but most are so concerned with spending money that they would rather do without. This trend is probably going to continue for some time and since I am essentially a consultant, I have to make the best of the situation. There are people out there who have prospered during this period. I don’t feel that I am any less intelligent than they are. Perhaps I am a bit less skilled in bringing in new business, but that will change with time.
Dictating our path through life is the only real power that we have. You can’t control when you die. You can’t control your family. You can’t control your friends. You can’t control the weather. And you certainly can’t control the company you work for. The best you can do when you work for someone else is keep you head down and hope the axe misses your neck.
If I have to choose between the uncertainty of working for myself and the uncertainty of working for someone else, I’ll take the former every time.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
That wonderfully artificial construct known as time…
Let me say this first, I don’t consider time to be all that important. What I mean is that from my own personal vantage point, when someone needs me, I am there. I don’t put limits on the hour of the day or the weather. The people I know don’t ask things of me lightly. Usually, if someone needs me for something it’s a task they can’t achieve on their own.
Sleep has always been kind of an enemy of mine. I regularly average about 5 hours per night. This isn’t new; I’ve been less than a fan of sleep since I was 10 or so. Joining the Army only drove that aspect deeper into me. There were frequent 48 to 50 hour marathons of work. You would snatch sleep where you could and got used to resting in the oddest places.
Unfortunately this has caused me not to understand or appreciate how some people need 8 to 10 hours of sleep a day. I have a former neighbor who pretty much spends his entire weekend sleeping or taking constant naps. For him this is a good thing and the way he wants to live his life. More power to him I say. But it’s an alien concept to me.
The problem with all this usually happens when I need something from my wife at 2AM. She is a sleeper. One of those people who can fall asleep in 3.2 seconds. I’ve always been amazed at how she can be talking one moment and softly snoring before completely getting out the last of her sentence. How is this a problem you ask?
Well, there isn’t a common middle ground about time. I think nothing of being awake and working until the wee hours of the morning. If she makes it past midnight it’s usually cause for celebration. I know that our bodies are different and I’ve grown used to not sleeping all the time, but I am really beginning to wonder just how deep that difference goes.
Sleeping is a form of death to me. A period of time that I just exist and am not in some sort of control. Just like time, which I consider an artificial thing that humans created to keep track of their lives. I’ve been in situations where I’ve lived on a schedule that is closer to the way that the world actually works. You wake when it’s time to wake, not to some fucking alarm clock. Your body gets the rest it needs according to its own internal clock. To me that’s more natural, but the problem is, the working world survives on an artificial schedule that no one even knows who created.
You have to wake up two to three hours earlier than normal in order to ‘get ready’ or ‘beat the traffic’. And for some reason those of us who manage to find ways to make money with methods that don’t require a 9 to 5 schedule are looked at like some kind of aliens. If we don’t work for a company or deal with rush hour traffic then there is something wrong. We aren’t living ‘the American dream’. It’s pathetic. I really can’t imagine anything more American than making your way under your own steam. Its how this country was built.
I know three music stars, multiple writers, some website designers and one photographer who are making money hand over fist without the normal 9 to 5 grind. Their schedules are their own. They work quite a bit harder than the average person who puts in 8 hours at the office, but they are still viewed at as if they are slacking in some way. It’s all a bit sad.
And then there is the impact that artificial time schedules have on children. Studies have shown over and over again that when children pigeonholed into the same social standards without thought for that child’s individual gifts, the child suffers. Creativity is reduced, original thought is stifled and long term growth is sacrificed for conformity. Now magnify shoving children into that mold over the course of a lifetime and what do you get?
I won’t answer that. There are people out their light years smarter than me who have it all figured out.
Anyway, time for me is something that happens at its own pace. I try not to put limits on things because I am not in control of anything outside of my immediate environment. (It’s a work in progress and I am not always able to maintain my focus or my composure) If my wife, family member or good friend needs me at 3AM I am not going to quibble because it’s dark outside. I am also trying my hardest not to stick my kids into any one version of how they should spend their time. There are structured moments and there are moments that just exist. My greatest hope is that they turn out to be adults who know when to worry about time and when not to.
In other words, not slaves to a damned time clock. Wish me luck…
Peace.
Sleep has always been kind of an enemy of mine. I regularly average about 5 hours per night. This isn’t new; I’ve been less than a fan of sleep since I was 10 or so. Joining the Army only drove that aspect deeper into me. There were frequent 48 to 50 hour marathons of work. You would snatch sleep where you could and got used to resting in the oddest places.
Unfortunately this has caused me not to understand or appreciate how some people need 8 to 10 hours of sleep a day. I have a former neighbor who pretty much spends his entire weekend sleeping or taking constant naps. For him this is a good thing and the way he wants to live his life. More power to him I say. But it’s an alien concept to me.
The problem with all this usually happens when I need something from my wife at 2AM. She is a sleeper. One of those people who can fall asleep in 3.2 seconds. I’ve always been amazed at how she can be talking one moment and softly snoring before completely getting out the last of her sentence. How is this a problem you ask?
Well, there isn’t a common middle ground about time. I think nothing of being awake and working until the wee hours of the morning. If she makes it past midnight it’s usually cause for celebration. I know that our bodies are different and I’ve grown used to not sleeping all the time, but I am really beginning to wonder just how deep that difference goes.
Sleeping is a form of death to me. A period of time that I just exist and am not in some sort of control. Just like time, which I consider an artificial thing that humans created to keep track of their lives. I’ve been in situations where I’ve lived on a schedule that is closer to the way that the world actually works. You wake when it’s time to wake, not to some fucking alarm clock. Your body gets the rest it needs according to its own internal clock. To me that’s more natural, but the problem is, the working world survives on an artificial schedule that no one even knows who created.
You have to wake up two to three hours earlier than normal in order to ‘get ready’ or ‘beat the traffic’. And for some reason those of us who manage to find ways to make money with methods that don’t require a 9 to 5 schedule are looked at like some kind of aliens. If we don’t work for a company or deal with rush hour traffic then there is something wrong. We aren’t living ‘the American dream’. It’s pathetic. I really can’t imagine anything more American than making your way under your own steam. Its how this country was built.
I know three music stars, multiple writers, some website designers and one photographer who are making money hand over fist without the normal 9 to 5 grind. Their schedules are their own. They work quite a bit harder than the average person who puts in 8 hours at the office, but they are still viewed at as if they are slacking in some way. It’s all a bit sad.
And then there is the impact that artificial time schedules have on children. Studies have shown over and over again that when children pigeonholed into the same social standards without thought for that child’s individual gifts, the child suffers. Creativity is reduced, original thought is stifled and long term growth is sacrificed for conformity. Now magnify shoving children into that mold over the course of a lifetime and what do you get?
I won’t answer that. There are people out their light years smarter than me who have it all figured out.
Anyway, time for me is something that happens at its own pace. I try not to put limits on things because I am not in control of anything outside of my immediate environment. (It’s a work in progress and I am not always able to maintain my focus or my composure) If my wife, family member or good friend needs me at 3AM I am not going to quibble because it’s dark outside. I am also trying my hardest not to stick my kids into any one version of how they should spend their time. There are structured moments and there are moments that just exist. My greatest hope is that they turn out to be adults who know when to worry about time and when not to.
In other words, not slaves to a damned time clock. Wish me luck…
Peace.
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