Lasting Relationships

I have a question.

Do people ever get to have truly lasting friend and family relationships? Or is it more likely that you will spend your life meeting what amounts to transients? If you live to be 80 or 90, how many dozens or hundreds of people will you meet in your life? And when it’s all said and done, how many of them mattered?

At 43 I have lived in several foreign countries and quite a few states. I have met people from all walks of life and I have been honored to call some of them friend.

But each time we moved, each time I had to start over again, those names, faces, and memories were relegated to a historical footnote that would ultimately be forgotten. With any luck I had taken some minor internal education away from meeting those people, but more likely, nothing would have been gained from the relationship. For either of us.

I suppose that some of that is natural. Everyone you meet isn’t going to be some mythic presence that dramatically alters the path of your life. Only people in the movies get Bagger Vance, or Gandalf. The rest of us are relegated to all too human friends, with all too human failings.

I can’t count the number of times that I’ve moved in my life. Its way more than 30. Houses, streets, cities, schools – all woven into the tapestry that tells my tale. Sometimes it’s been a wonderful adventure populated with erotic notions, sardonic humor and fascinating people. But for the most part all its really been is exasperating.

When you don’t know where your home will be from one month to the next you become anxious about the future. When you don’t know if the people around you really give a damn, you hold back your affections. When you aren’t sure, you temper your emotions. NO ONE likes to have their feelings stomped all over. No one likes to feel used, or uncared for. Like it or not, Humans are social animals. We crave attention and affection from each other. When that craving is carried too far, or is continuously unmet, the drive to fulfill it can become an addiction. People in this mode will do almost anything to achieve the feeling of being desired by another human. Some of these actions are unhealthy, some are illegal and some are downright deadly. But they are completely understandable reactions.

Personally, I think that there is a worse threat than addiction to need. Some people completely shut down when they are denied the simple touch of another person. They learn not to desire anything because desire leads to rejection and rejection leads to pain. Since people will do anything to move away from pain and towards pleasure, complete shutdown becomes a defensive reaction to rejection. Pretty much any kind of rejection. From love relationships to searching for a job.

Your friends and family are sometimes there to help you through those times. They offer strength and balance when you need it. Family is supposed to be forever. Friends might not be, but there is that promise of longevity at the beginning of any friendship. And there are even times when your friends offer more support than a family member. But again there is the problem of ‘how long’. Also, there is a basic issue with how deep you are willing to let strangers into your world. There are things about you that your family knows simply because they were there. But even in a familial relationship you have secrets. Remember, there are going to be things you try to hide from everyone, even yourself. So you will develop friendships, but they are stunted from the get go because you are not obligated to share.

The only relationships that will probably last me all life are the ones I have developed with my children. I have been there for all four of them since they were born. I admit to a certain distance with my emotional displays, but physical caring and meeting of needs has always been there. They have known a quiet, low drama childhood filled with as much laughter and freedom as possible.

As a parent I have taken pains to be consistent with my forays into discipline, permissiveness and transparency. I don’t feel that hiding the truth of the world from my children makes them stronger. They have learned about sex, drugs, the perils of dating, having real friends and how to avoid having friends who can get you arrested. My theory is, if a child is old enough to ask a question, they are old enough to hear the answer. Some people have disagreed with us about how open we are with our children, but I refuse to raise ignorant drones.

Despite all this, there is a level of secrecy between me and my children. There are things I’ve done that they will NEVER know about. That’s only natural.

So I guess I answered my own question. It is possible to have lasting relationships. Despite
that, no one will ever know all there is to know about you. And that goes for the woman or man you sleep with right on down to the person you bought donuts from yesterday morning. Long term relationships are possible. Complete transparency isn’t.

Nor should it be.