What I risk

Because I’ve chosen the task of being honest with myself this year, I have to admit that there are some disturbing aspects to my decision.

The single greatest one is the possibility that I might discover my core values and desires don’t match that of my wife or the people I currently know. It’s frightening to think that I might realize who I am inside is not in alignment with the life I’ve been living for the last 20 odd years.
I’m deliberately not going back any further because 17 years ago when I met my current wife, I was another person on a completely different path in life. It’s almost like my old life truly ended and I was reborn as the man I am now. That’s how I had to treat it to survive my divorce with some sense of myself still intact.

So for purposes of this thought experiment, I am not going to worry about anything that happened before 1990. With the exception of thinking about my oldest son, I try very hard not to revisit that period of time anyway.

Since 1990 I’ve been married to a wonderful woman. We have been compared to mirrors of each other on more occasions than I care to remember. And although I think the glass of the mirror sometimes reflects darkly, I don’t think there’s anything more or less remarkable about our relationship. I love her and she loves me and that’s good enough.

My concern comes from the fact that a lot of my goals in life require me to examine aspects of my desires and wishes that are not even close to matching hers. And one of my greatest goals in life has always been to sail around the world. I have read dozens of books about sailors both past and present who have inspired in me. But my wife has stated that she is uninterested in stepping foot on a boat. I also have a strong desire to move to South East Alaska. I would not have a single problem spending the rest of my life in Ketchikan. It’s been a dream of mine for almost 15 years. Again it’s another thing that my wife is not interested in.

There are other personal aspects and goals that I won’t talk about here, but they have the same set of issues involved.

Please don’t misunderstand what I am saying. My wife is a wonderful person and I love her more every day. It’s just that her personal desires for what she wants from her life are different than mine. This is partly the fault of me taking so long to figure out the things I want. If we’d discussed this sort of thing at the beginning of our relationship, it wouldn’t be an issue now. I just wish I’d been smarter back then.

As to the reasons that I feel this way now - life in the last 10 years has taken on a static hue. Things don’t change much from one day to the next and after a while it gets stale. Going to work, paying bills, watching the grass grow… man. After a while it gets maddening. Some people wait until they retire to try to fit this kind of searching into their lives. But since retirement is at least 30 years away (should I choose to have a career to retire from instead of just holding jobs) it makes no sense to wait. At this point all I really want is a job that helps pay for the lifestyle I want to live. Or to build up my businesses to the point where I can do them no matter where I am.

It’s one of the reasons that I am so drawn to writing. All I really need is a pencil and piece of paper. This laptop is nice, but it’s just a tool. If I can pull my head out of my ass long enough to get back in touch with the part of me that knows how to tell cool stories then I know I will be fine. But I really think that its going to take something drastic like a trip around the world to wake that part of me up again.

Daily, everyday life puts the best part of us to sleep. Think I’m wrong? How often do you go after your goals now compared to how you were 10 years ago? 15 years ago? I’ll bet that it’s less now than it was then. Life tends to get in the way. You get buried in just trying to survive and goals or dreams go right out the window.

I do know a few people who are going after their goals and winning awards in the process. But they are in the MINORITY. The great mass of humanity never gets to achieve even 10% of their dreams. It’s sad to contemplate.

But it’s also very motivational.

When you stare into the mirror, the only one looking back is the real you. The part you can’t lie to. It see’s all of the darkness and light that exists inside you. I don’t care how fast you run; you will NEVER outrun the littlest voice inside. The one that only accepts the truth about the life you live. You can’t bullshit that voice. It knows better. It doesn’t fall for the crap coming from your ego. It doesn’t accept the ‘facts’ pushed on you by people from outside your own mind. If you are overweight, you know it. If you are cheating on your spouse, you know it. If your life is less than what you want, you know it. And that little voice will beat you half to death with the truth until you either do something about it, or jump out a window.

Turn on the news for a few minutes. I’ll wait…

See what I mean? It doesn’t matter where you live. There are thousands of unhappy people all over. They get Andy Warhol’s famous 15 minutes in the worst possible way. And of course the media is there to completely glamorize the event in sparking light and HD sound.

So, facing that alternative, why not make some decisions that are just for you? Decide to be happy, follow your own path. It may cost some things or relationships in the short run. But since you only get to live once, the risk is worth it.